From the time I thought that boys were no longer icky and were worthy of interest, endless thoughts, and daydreams, I’ve always had a “type”. Of course, physical characteristics were always important–my mom always told me “you have to wake up to him in the morning” and “you need to think of your kids.” But if we took a look at all the guys I’ve ever crushed on or dated, I think one thing they mostly all had in common was that they were strong personalities dipped in lots of charm. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve always liked that guy who loves (or at least is comfortable in) the spotlight, knows everybody there is to know, and spends his time mapping out and taking action toward his passions. And many times I’ve blamed this insatiable desire for my dating woes. The guys I actually liked back were the guys with girls chasing them down the block (no, really–one ex had a girl chase him down State St, 220, and Northside Drive in Jackson in a car, but that’s another story) and doing whatever they can to divert his attention; the guys whose dreams were so big that they didn’t know how or didn’t want to juggle, and I never knew if I’d ever be a sizable priority in their lives.
Yet, I have not been willing to (or maybe even able to) take this characteristic off my “list”. There’s just something about a guy who has mastered his social skills and oozes a certain self-confidence and who is all about doing something major while he’s on earth that makes me fan myself. And I’m fine with that. Why? Because I think as we get older, I’m more likely to find the sharp, charismatic guy who is that able to provide me with the balance that has been missing for so long (and yes this is an ambiguous statement–I need help with my own balance and he needs to have some level of balance on his own). We’re all growing into ourselves, right? So once we know what we want, including our partner–don’t we do want we have to do to manage all things important?
So I said all that to introduce an interesting Twitter convo that made me say hmmm.
JHJeffers: RT @DGJ_1977: RT @RHYMEFEST: So ladies be careful what you ask for, because loving ambitious, charismatic & powerful men comes with a cost.
Me: Which is? RT @JHJeffers: RT @RHYMEFEST: So ladies be careful what u ask for bc loving ambitious, charismatic & powerful men comes w a cost.
JHJeffers: @NadaJo: Powerful men often have a strong desire to control and have egos that are out of this world
Me: A few r humble but I can c it RT @JHJeffers @NadaJo: Powerful men often have a strong desire to control&have egos that are out of this world
JHJeffers: @NadaJo Charismatic men are super flirtatious and sometimes cross the line
Me: I see RT @JHJeffers: @NadaJo Charismatic men are super flirtatious and sometimes cross the line
JHJeffers: @NadaJo Ambitious men spend long hours working, Sometimes @ the expense of marriage
Me: Mm hmm RT @JHJeffers: @NadaJo Ambitious men spend long hours working, Sometimes @ the expense of marriage
Me: @JHJeffers so basically we ladies who like pwrful, charismatic, ambitious men need to also pray that he has humility, self-ctrl, and balance
Me: #icandothat
JHJeffers: @NadaJo: Yeeeaaaahhhhh, but I would just shoot for 2 out of 3 #imjustsaying
HarlemFaith: (Well said) RT @NadaJo so we ladies who like pwrful, charismatic, ambitious men need to pray he has humility, self-ctrl, and balance
HarlemFaith: @NadaJo I don’t know if I agree with everything @jhjeffers is saying.. but it’s interesting.
Me (knowing this will turn into a blog post, maybe even a series cuz this is getting good! heehee): What do u think? RT @HarlemFaith: @NadaJo I don’t know if I agree with everything @jhjeffers is saying.. but it’s interesting.
HarlemFaith: @NadaJo @jhjeffers I don’t like the fact that the argument seemed so segmented and over generalized. Yes, those characteristics make ppl
HarlemFaith: @nadajo @jhjeffers successful but powerful men(and women) in lasting relationships know when to turn them on and off.
HarlemFaith: @nadajo @jhjeffers too much of anything is bad…. and there’s a time and place for everything.
HarlemFaith: @nadajo @jhjeffers… I want my man to be just as ambitious as I am.. (and he is) when we are together that energy is directed towards me.
HarlemFaith: For a while, me and many of my counterparts were told that our ambitious, agressive personalities were the reason we didn’t have a man
HarlemFaith: I disagree.. I think there is a time and place for anything. and the key to a successful relationship without losing who you are is figuring out how to channel that intense energy.. and use it for good. lol. Use those same skills to please your man.
HarlemFaith: I’m a big proponent of playing my “position”. I can be your woman (opinionated and all) but still allow you to be the man.
Me: YES! RT @HarlemFaith I’m a big proponent of playing my “position”. I can be ur woman (opinionated & all) but still allow you to be the man.
The convo is still going on. But I’ll do a poll. Can we (I) have it all? Is it possible to have what we want plus the balance needed to make the relationship last and thrive? Do we have to choose between the power, charisma, and ambition and the devotion and dedication? Chime in!
Just the Two of Us 
To quote a dear friend: “I’d rather be single than wish I was”.
Never apologize for your standards or lower them. You deserve all of that and a bag of chips.
. . .of course, I am still single. . .maybe that’s why. 😉
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In general, certain characteristics travel together and what you need doesn’t always correlate to what you want. With all that said, if you are willing to be honest with yourself and be patient, then yes you can have what you want. I mean if I want the church woman that does community service, strips for me at home(lap dancing is a form of exercise), makes 90k+, is loyal/devoted, knows that panties on females are overrated(well clothing in general) and LETS ME GET HER HAIR WET, I may have to wait and be patient to find that one. Why, b/c a lot of the traits I mentioned normally come with other traits I don’t care for. If you want a “power, charisma, and ambition” person, good chance they are going to be cocky and maybe selfish at some level too. Some of the non-favorable traits help them get to the position that they are in.
All in all, yes you can have what you want but you have to be honest with yourself and be patient.
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EVERYONE settles. You just either settle early, settle late, or you die alone.
It’s ok.
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more nuggets from this guy offline:
“you have to make a choice. good partner, or great man. the chances of finding both are slim.”
“the chances of finding both are so slim that waiting for it as a relationship strategy is like playing the lotto to earn your retirement.”
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Sometimes…just maybe… the argument itself is the problem. It gets in the way, causing us to speculate too much about the future with someone who has not been allowed to reveal or may be unwilling to reveal any more than the public persona. That overly confident or self absorbed person may be hiding pain, disappointment, or inadequacies. It is hard to trust others and allow the walls to come down. No one is perfect, so can there be a perfect relationship? Too often we focus on what we see as the flaws in others. How we perceive them may not be the way they perceive themselves. If we see ourselves as the “perfect catch” with so much to offer, the question becomes, “Who agrees?” Sometimes the argument should focus more on us than on them. I want to be allowed to be myself, but do I really know who I am? I have to discover myself; I can only shape myself. It is a losing battle to think I can shape someone else. If I can’t accept him as he is and with the potential to grow and complement me, then I must move on. To have it all means having the positives and the negatives. Are we willing to be what we ask of and want from others? Who expects to live in a state of bliss 24/7? Pain reminds us we are alive and makes us appreciate what we take for granted. Try enjoying the moment with or without a partner. Do not get discouraged or become cynical.
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This is why I love you, ma mère. Thanks for this comment. 🙂
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Great topic. I think we can have it all. I’m realizing now as I evolve and learn a few more lessons that my preferences are changing. At first I feared I was settling but I realized some things aren’t as crucial. I read a great book that helped narrow down the “must have” and “can’t stand” lists. Turns out I’m not too picky, just want what I want
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You can have it all, indeed. But you have to be willing to be patient for it. That may mean extended periods of singleness, but the quality of that self-reflective single time should compensate so that when you find that person, everything will fit well.
And every good quality has the potential to have a bad side. That depends more on the character of that man and how he displays those qualities.
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