Today is the first day of the second half of 2013. I spent the first half of it pretending I was okay in public by grasping at whatever I could find to be a bright spot of my dim days. Most of the time, that bright spot has been something about my son. Although I don’t really know how I will turn my life into a happy place, I do know I don’t want to spend much more time in the life I’m currently living. Wearing the shame and regret as a badge on my chest every day and finding by accident but maybe on purpose a new way I’ve screwed up my trajectory and becoming someone I never pictured myself being. Being angry every time someone cosigns (whether they knew they were cosigning or not–I blame myself, and the world blames me too, ain’t that a bitch) the fact that I made poor decisions and makes excuses for the sorry, worthless asshole of a boy I chose as my son’s “father”. Feeling like I wear the scarlet letter even though I know he’s out living life like it’s golden all while lying on me, further reinforcing the tarnish I already smeared on the reputation and persona I spent 30 years cultivating.
But I’m ready to figure out how to spray some tarnish remover on there and rub it off, even if it’s just for me and my view of myself. I’m tired of caring what people think about me, ESPECIALLY a bunch of people who don’t contribute to the wellbeing of me or my son anyway. WHY do I let them take up any space in my already overbooked brain?
Saturday, I ended up having a good hard cry (which I almost never do, even now, in front of anyone) as a friend of mine poured into me some affirmations and positivity that I still don’t quite feel I deserve but clutch because I know I need it. She told me that I’m still who I’ve always been and that the same care I give to Frederick, it’s time to give to Ranada. She said that she wants me to stop beating myself up and to start back believing in myself and all my talents and my dreams. And as she was borderline lecturing me (which isn’t a bad thing–remember that I have 4 degrees so listening when class is in session is one of my fortes), I was thinking that there are no coincidences and that this was confirmation that I most certainly needed to participate in this 31 Day Reset that another friend invited me to do with her this month.
So I said all that to say: It’s Day 1. July 1. The first day of the second half of the year. I will not spend the next 6 months beating myself up. The task for today was to pick a personal mantra and to choose a theme song.
My personal mantra, which I have written in my new reset notebook (and I chose it because it has on the front: “It is up to you to illuminate the world.” -Phillippe Venier), is
We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come. – Joseph Campbell
I chose it because when I find myself really kicking myself in the ribs, it’s when I’m comparing myself to what I had planned in my head. I’m a planner by nature, and I had the next couple/few years lined up in my head, making the steps (I thought) daily to make my plans come to life. So now, any time something happens that is completely different from those plans, I start one more time, in case I forgot, pointing out to myself how I ruined my life. So I’m ready to keep reminding myself that the life I PLANNED may be ruined, but what God has for me is for me, including my beautiful son, who wasn’t in that short-term plan but is the best thing I’ve ever received. I have to let go of what I had in my mind, and open myself up to creating a new and prayerfully even better reality.
My theme song is a song I sing to myself whenever I’m searching and searching for a silver lining. It’s The Conversation by Greg O’Quin and Joyful Noyze. I’m almost certain I’ve blogged the lyrics before. Here are some of them again.
If I never had a rainy day, I’d never know You could brighten my day.
If I never felt some loneliness, I’d never know of Your friendliness.
If I never fell to the ground, I’d never know You could help me rebound.
If I never had a broken heart, I’d never know You could mend the parts.
If I never reached out for your hand, I’d never know You could help me stand.
If I never had to shed a tear, I’d never know You were always near.
I’d never, ever know You this way.
So there. What a first day. I’m so ready to feel happiness as a default instead of as a fleeting moment. It’s a process, but I can do it. One day at a time.