Author: Ranada

I am Nada Dee, and I am working on me.

I am Nada Dee, and I am working on me.

by Ranada ♥ 3 Comments

So!  If you know me really well, you know I can’t stand the spotlight.  Especially if I have to open my mouth.  Some think it’s really hard to believe because I’m always serving in leadership capacities, but I’ve always been kind of a behind the scenes person.  Well, I’ve realized that in my life–at work, in social settings, and in community settings–I really need to get over this dislike of public speaking and meeting people cold (without any introduction) so that I can walk through any doors that God may open in order to let His light shine through me.

So yesterday, I attended a one-day seminar at Emory about being an effective presenter, and boy, was I blessed.  Vicki Flier Hudson is the bomb, and this class is definitely worth the time and mulah.  At the beginning of the day, we discussed what our barriers were and how to overcome them.  We were told that in order to tighten up our outer game, we have to deal with the inner game.  I had never really asked myself WHY I don’t like all eyes on me.  Or at least not long enough to come up with an answer.  So when I was asked yesterday, I kinda just gave a blank stare.  And after the talk, I think it’s really just fear of the unknown and being self-conscious of what someone may be thinking as they size me up.  #1 thing I took from the class yesterday: “I am Nada Dee, and I have something valuable to offer these people.”  I will begin reciting that mantra before I have to stand before an audience and speak about something.

According to my teacher, I have the skills.  I am personable and I connect well with my audience, make great facial expressions (everyone knows that! lol), sound like I know what I’m talking about.  But I find myself giving off negative body language because of my apprehension and low self-confidence of being in front, and I don’t project loudly enough sometimes.  So knowing my weaknesses and going equipped with new exercises to deal with these, I think the class was an awesome launching pad for improvement.  I’ve also joined Toastmasters, and I have resolved not to turn down any more opportunities to share who I am and what I have to offer to anyone.  Whether it be speaking, singing, or whatever. One day I may even like getting up and talking to groups of people.  Oh how unstoppable I will be then.  Happy Friday!

Gender Roles and the State of the Black Family

Gender Roles and the State of the Black Family

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Today I’ve had lively conversations about the following media:

http://www.youtube.com/user/shanelcooper

http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/11608840/

Take a look!  I’ll be back later when I have a minute to sit down and really delve into my thoughts and share.

Update :: October 9, 2010 :: I promise I’m coming back.  I just have so much to do!!

Introducing International Traveler, tanjalap!

Introducing International Traveler, tanjalap!

by Ranada ♥ 1 Comment

Well, Tanjala, who has been like a little sister to me since she realized that I was just Ranada and not <insert my full name here> that she expected to meet when we met her at Starbucks way back when to discuss a website, is currently in Germany!!! This is her first international trip, and she was chosen to make a research presentation over there for a conference.  I’m super happy for and proud of her, and I can’t wait to read about her experiences as a guest blogger! 🙂

The Present can help you understand the Past sometimes.

The Present can help you understand the Past sometimes.

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Experience is a good teacher. – Miki Howard

Since the death of my grandfather, I’ve been hyper-sensitive and aware of what I’m feeling and how various experiences have affected my life.  This weekend, Rick came in town to cheer me up (we went to Six Flags and grilled on my deck!) and to do a little work around my house, and I realized in an active way that I’ve been emotionally abused before. While I’m sure I knew that, it became real to me this weekend.  My ex, who I’ve nicknamed HolyRoller in another blog, really took a toll on me.  His knowledge of Bible verses and proclivity to pray with me and appearance of “fitting in” with my idea of a good future eased me into dropping my guard down and letting his use of Bible verses to insult me or win arguments and judgmental attitudes and position that he could hear from God and thus not consider my position on anything become a regular way of life for me.  I was in that relationship for only about 6 months, but it has had long-reaching negative impacts on me.

The week before my granddaddy’s funeral, I woke up a few nights in tears and called Rick, who woke up and ministered to me.  Although he doesn’t quote Bible verses daily, he has been there for me spiritually, reminding me Who holds tomorrow and has perfect timing when I didn’t want to accept that for myself.  Rick and I have a past, chock full of ups and downs, and my temper has gotten rather severe over the years, but he’s been quite patient with me as I calm my nerves, even when I’ve gone off for no tangible reason.  So, Saturday, I shouldn’t have been surprised when he saw how chaotic my room has become and decided to put organizing my room on our to-do list instead of quoting Proverbs 31 and telling me I’m less than a woman, as HolyRoller did.  But I was surprised–because I realize that I’ve had a poor self-image based on my organization skills despite the rest of my skills just because of one person who instead of being helpful was judgmental. (Background information – he was around when I moved into my house and I chose him to help me move in because he said that he would help me organize before I got settled since that’s one of his strengths. But he said that a Christian woman would be able to figure it out/pray for God to increase her housekeeping skills, whether he helped or not. Go figure.)

And as I continue to do a self-assessment, I know my church activity and excitement about being in His house drastically waned since that experience.  I find myself wondering how I could have been so oblivious to my own health that I would allow one experience with someone to derail my relationship with God, one that I’ve been building since I was a child.  I had some real issues with the man upstairs for even letting me deal with him.  But in the last few months, I’ve been working on that and rebuilding my relationship.

And although I don’t think about HolyRoller often and don’t talk to him at all, I’m getting to a place where I can look back and figure out the purpose of that interaction.  I haven’t had that clear lightbulb moment, but I am getting hints here and there.  And for one thing, I know that in my quest for a God-fearing man, I don’t have to find one that speaks in King James version, but one that acts like the Word is ingrained him and will love me unconditionally, knowing that none of us are perfect, not even me, the girl who was been blessed with a ton of gifts and talents and sometimes gets tired of being held to the highest expectations.  I need someone who understands that although I am a strong-willed person, even I am weak at times and it’s ok.  Someone who likes me even when my hair is a hot mess and I don’t feel like putting on matching clothes or makeup (oh boy, I looked crazy this weekend).  Someone who will let me comfortable just being me with no pretenses or explanations.

Of course, I can’t see the future, and I don’t know what the future holds for Rick and me, but I do know that I am super appreciative of the stability and understanding and help he’s provided this second go-round and I have very high hopes.  Some may not “get” us or understand the connection we have, but it’s obvious to me.  He gets me, and he lets me be me, as weird or as all over the place or as high-strung or as paradoxical or as unorganized as I can be at times.  He balances me out, and God knew I needed that balance right now.  I’m working daily on a better me, and I’m happy to have people in my life that support that effort.

In Loving Memory

In Loving Memory

by Ranada ♥ 9 Comments

(written yesterday)

Today we buried my granddaddy.  He was a true patriarch, and he was one of those people I always thought was invincible.  I know he had to go, and I know he is in a much better place, but it’s still really hard.  As I sat at the funeral and read his obituary and listened to people reflect on their interactions with him, I really reflected on how much he has influenced my family.

My granddaddy, Will Henry (W.H.) Robinson, Jr., was a really kind man who loved to help people.  And he was very aware of his community and his family.  He was a role model to us, but to so many other people too.  He was a hands-on grandfather, and each of us grandkids thought we had the sweetest sugar in the world.  I think one of the things that makes me most sad is that my future kids won’t get to play his version of patty cake or to know what it’s like running up the path to his seat in the front yard to slap him with some sugar.  And I’m the last one of his granddaughters without my own family, so he won’t be able to see me in the gown or have “the talk” with my future hubby.  My grandparents had been married for 61 years, and they still looked at each other with googly eyes like it was still 1948.  My grandma was my granddaddy’s china doll, and he showed us all how a man should treat his wife and provided a frame of reference for a successful marriage even when our own parents’ marriages were failing.  I pray that I’ll end up in a happy, loving marriage with a husband who looks at me like I’m his world even when we hit our 80s.

What I see in myself, though, is my granddaddy’s love for community, which was passed down through my daddy and drilled in by my mom.  My granddaddy was a true pillar.  He was a historian, and he used his knowledge of the city, and particularly the western part of it, to help people.  He did a lot on his own, donating fruit to kids every Christmas, organizing the first black golf club to be chartered in the state, managing and coaching a semi-pro baseball team (Homestead Greys), and also with his Masonic Lodge and his church.  He knew public officials and other influential people in the city, but like the pastor who gave the eulogy today said, they knew him.  And my granddaddy used his contacts to make a difference.  Most of all, he was an entrepreneur, and he was a real life example of economic empowerment.  In 1957, my granddaddy opened Robinson Shoe Shop and used it as a means of livelihood and as a means of blessing others.  Working miracles with old and beat up shoes, he was an upstanding businessman who handed down the trade and the ability to work with people to his sons.  I’ve never in my life heard anyone accuse my granddaddy of shady business practices.  And he had customers of all colors.  I’ve always said that economic empowerment requires getting people outside your particular community to spend and leave their money in it to create some community circulation of dollars.  Well, guess who I had to learn that from.

So now, I will cherish the rest of my family.  I will do a better job of checking on my grandma and my other grandfather.  I can’t imagine what my grandma is going through after losing the love of her life.  I used to write her letters because she loves to read (who does that sound like lol), so I will definitely start back writing her just to make sure she knows how much I love her and think about her.  I’d actually like to write a family history book, so maybe I’ll get her to help me with that.  And I’ll definitely keep working on being the type of person that my granddaddy was and that he’d be proud to see.

I’ve always been the quiet, reserved one who was protected by the rest of my cousins.  (Hey, I’m the youngest granddaughter.)  But I need to step up and integrate all the stuff I’ve come to love doing as an adult on my own with my family life.  I love traveling, so I plan to take some trips so I can really get to know some relatives who are a little distant (like my granddaddy’s niece and her kids or my  grandma’s brothers).  I love community development, so I will continue to be vested in my hometown and what’s going on with Robinson Shoe Shop (which was reopened in 2002 by my daddy and my uncle Teddy).  I will try to think of my granddaddy’s death as a charge to accept a promotion to a higher post with greater responsibility in family.  I’m no longer just a little cousin.  I have tons of little cousins who are now who my cousins and I used to be.  It’s the progression of life, I suppose, and through my tears and after they’ve dried up, I will use my granddaddy’s memory as an inspiration.

Highlights from the Highway

Highlights from the Highway

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Ok ok ok… I’m off the highway now and have been since Sunday night, but I liked that title. 🙂

I had a BLAST this weekend.  I saw so many people I haven’t seen in so long, and it was a good time just like the old days!  Friday night, we caught up in my high school’s cafeteria during our mix and mingle.  The highlight of the event was seeing Chad Royston, who was one of my fave people in the ACCENT (gifted) program in elementary.  We were also in orchestra and most of my accelerated classes together.  He still remembered being my 50s dance partner in 6th grade as we learned dances like swing.  And he showed me the Lindy Hop that he’s been learning recently in Texas, where he lives now!

Then, I bar hopped like the old days (but the old days for me was in college–I had never gone from place to place with them since I left early!).  We went to a Mexican restaurant for margaritas, a regular bar to meet up with other folks, and then to another lil place where one of us was hosting a party.  I got in at like 3, so I was beat!

Saturday… I slept in!!  And woke up to text messages about meeting up at Shoney’s that morning.  Oops!  That night, Rick escorted me to our class party, and there were even more people there.  We had over 400 people in our class.  So of course, because I hadn’t seen or talked to so many in so long, I forgot how many friends I had!  Mostly everyone still look the same and are doing very well!  Yay, class of ’99!  After that, Rick and I went to the 930 Blues Cafe and kept the good times rolling.  The okra was to die for, and of course the drinks and music were worth the while.

Overall, we had a really good turnout, and we definitely reconnected.  I’ll probably see my classmates way more often now.  We’re already thinking of doing something around Christmas.  🙂  Go Arrows!

Milestones

Milestones

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On Friday, I’ll be attending my 10 year high school class reunion!  Nutzo!  I can’t wait to see everyone who comes out.  It’s been 11 years since I’ve seen many of my classmates since I skipped my senior year (but I was in our cohort since 4th grade so they can’t get rid of me!).  I’m looking forward to seeing how we’ve evolved and how we’ll interact as grown folks.  Facebook has been a blessing and a curse since I’ve seen lots of folks on there but also because they’re not as pressed to come.

I bet I’ll have at least one story to share on here.  So until then!

Love and Life

Love and Life

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Simple yet complicated.

Easy yet difficult.

Straightforward yet convoluted.

Clear yet confusing.

Forever yet fleeting.

<edit 8/13/09 9:07 pm>

Fretful yet patient.

Anxious yet enthusiastic.

Far away yet close.

Lofty yet boundless.

Aged yet brand new.

Reflections – Just Absent yet Everpresent Mind Wandering

Reflections – Just Absent yet Everpresent Mind Wandering

by Ranada ♥ 1 Comment

Some things stay with you for a very long time.  I can remember vividly every funeral I’ve attended.  My grandma, who passed of breast cancer (this funeral had a major impact because I had never seen my mom sob, really I have no memory of mom crying before that day); my Aunt Betty, who had planned to teach me how to play the piano; my big ma Suzie, who had a long life; my aunt Vernita (who my mom says I act exactly like), who was murdered in DC (where I ironically would love to live); a school friend, Darnell, who was in a car accident my sophomore year of college; my uncle Alonzo (who helped in getting me here on this earth), who had health problems; my friend YL’s son, tragic story; my friend Angelia’s mom (whose funeral I only attended because she requested my presence–by then, I had written off funerals for good); my big ma Mary, again a long life; my Uncle Jobie.  My mother says that death is a part of life, but as someone who has for most of her life been pretty emotionally stable, some would say almost unemotional, dealing with death has never been something I feel good at.  My emotions go into overdrive when I fully swallow the death announcement and I reminisce on what made that person so special to me and to all the people crying while the preacher tells us to rejoice.

And so it goes, two people who I had connections with have passed in the last month or so.  One of my classmates, Nakemia Riley, who I sang in concert choir with in college, passed with complications with her diabetes.  Talk about alarming.  She was so young and so vibrant.  You couldn’t be in a room with her and not laugh.  She was so full of life and positivity, and abruptly she’s gone.  And her two best friends, also my friends, are just left with memories.  One of the members of my alumni chapter, Clyde Bennett, passed last week from kidney cancer and I attended his memorial service on Saturday.  Again, bright spirit–the stories told were all too familiar.  Everyone got a lil bit of Clyde’s sunshine and thought they had been special!  LOL!  Clyde made everyone feel VIP–especially me.  From the time I got to Atlanta he was so supportive.  When I started having issues within the chapter, Clyde always had a word of encouragement and assurance.  What’s so ironic is that he had been volunteering with the Cancer Support Ministry at his church, not knowing that a few years later, he’d be a victim himself.  And it’s crazy because it was caught so late–and by accident.  Clyde had been in a car accident last year, and after some time, his back was still hurting despite the meds so the doctors decided to finally run some additional tests and it just spiraled so quickly from there.

As I sat in the sanctuary, I kept thinking of how unfair it was that with all the evil people in the world who either have no purpose or whose purpose is just nothing good, that time would be up for these good-hearted, God-fearing people.  Yeah, I’m certainly happy and comforted that they’re going north, but how could they have fulfilled their purposes already??  I know they fought the good fight, but why is their part of the fight over?  Clyde’s neighbor said that part of it is that we need to keep a piece of Clyde with us and try to be as selfless and helpful as he was.  But it just doesn’t seem like enough.

People have been asking me how I’m doing and confirming that I took it hard.  I dunno what to call it.  I’m ok, and I don’t know if it’s that I took it hard or that it’s just making me consider my philosophy on what we’re here for. Part of it is that I look at things at the micro and the macro levels.  So it’s not my thinking about the two people most recently–it’s everybody and how death affects and maybe even defines us.   I hope that in my time on Earth I’ve contributed substantially, even though who’s to say what’s substantial…  I definitely hope to have the people brimming with positive reflections of their time with me. I wonder will I care then though.

Luckily, as He always is, God is right on time because there’s a women’s conference at my church this week.  So I’ll definitely be there trying to put my wandering and scattered mind back together.

Speaking of Twilight…

Speaking of Twilight…

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… one of my fellow Twilightians has written a nice piece on her thoughts after reading the series.  Check, check it out.

And my comment, slighty revised (cuz I write more on other people’s blog than I do my own…):

I think that when we dream of our own fairy tales, we only focus on the ending. The happily ever after. And dismiss the actual story it took you so long to read. The whole part after the once upon a time. And that’s why we have a hard time accepting that our fairy tales will have the twists and turns and requires that unconditional love that gets us to the happily ever after.

I think this series has given me a new appreciation for my own relationship(s) because the ongoing battles force me to think of happily ever after as an ongoing state of existence–not as a goal of somehow getting to a future with no problems and all happy days. They/We don’t live happily ever after at the end of the book, but they lived happily ever after throughout the book and beyond. It’s like a cycle bundled in one–it takes the unconditional love to get through those major obstacles and the major obstacles at the same time somehow make the love stronger.

These books were right on time.

<Back to my own blog>

I saw relationship(s) because it occurred to me today while chatting with a friend that my circle has drastically changed in last couple of years.  My best friends at various points of my life, who I thought I would never be without, are no longer my closest friends.  And knowing that I once thought they would be my ride or die chicks until I died makes me sad.  And quite honestly, it makes me a little afraid to get close to people, even though I know deep down that God puts people in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  It’s not just some cliche.  But the hurt of waking up and not having a friend is still real.

I think that’s the beauty of Twilight–it has made me reflect on my ideals of a romantic relationship is, what I think a soulmate is or feels like or can go through, but it also has made me think more deeply about relationships I have as a whole–which has always been an area of my life that’s not exactly a strength.  I’ve been blessed to see that goodbye isn’t always forever.  More than once.  My best friend in high school and I are cool again after not keeping touch throughout our college years, and that lets me know that our friendship wasn’t a fluke.  But at the end of the day,  I still have to make the choice between my overall happiness and (how related my happiness is to that relationship) and how important a relationship is to me.  Bella grapples with this throughout the book, and I think one reason I’m so engaged in this book is because I can find my life throughout it.

Ok, that’s it on that for now.  Unlike Vonetta, I have one more book to go!