Category: Inner Struggles

No Children Allowed

No Children Allowed

by Ranada ♥ 1 Comment

Last Sunday, I visited a church in College Park for the first time with a group of friends. I was excited until I tried to enter the sanctuary and was blocked by an usher who said, “We have a nursery.” I replied, “Thanks, but I’m not interested.” She then said, “We have a wonderful staff. I can take you back there.” I replied, “No thank you. He’s staying with me.” She said, “They really don’t like children in the sanctuary. You should consider using our nursery.” To which I said, “I’m not taking him to your nursery. I’m a visitor.” I can only imagine the look on my face at this point, so she finally said “Okay, we can give it a try.” I had my tongue set to say, “You know what… I can just go back home.” So as I sat next to my friends who were looking bewildered because I disappeared for a few minutes due to my detainment, I felt extremely uncomfortable and distracted. Any time Frederick even quietly babbled to his hands, I was looking over my shoulder to see if I was about to be escorted off the premises.

Just when I started feeling less anxious because we had made it through the sermon with no loud noises or crying, we stood up for visitor recognition, and the pastor decided to call me out in front of the entire congregation by telling me they have a nursery, although my baby was very sweet–maybe the sweetest they’ve ever had. Color me embarrassed. Thanks for making sure I absolutely do not feel welcome.

Here’s the thing… I’ve waited this long to take Frederick to church (except when he was a month old and I was still in my hometown surrounded by the church family I grew up with) because I wanted to make sure that we both were ready. Frederick is a wonderful baby who is really only fussy when he’s hungry. So I went to church armed with a couple of bottles, looking for a pew in the back of the sanctuary so that I could get up quickly if he started getting loud unexpectedly. I totally understand how distracting an unruly or upset child can be–I’ve been in front of a couple. But to expect a brand new visitor to leave her four month old with perfect strangers?? Not okay. And to basically make me feel like I’M the one with the problem because I’m not willing to?? Not cool. I’ve been to churches with nurseries–however, I’ve never been to one where the nursery is mandatory. I’m not comfortable with that one bit.

So here are just a few of the reasons that Frederick will be with me on Sunday mornings for the foreseeable future:

1. I would have to be a nursery worker myself or be very familiar with the nursery staff to leave my baby. It seems there is a new report on the news about abuse or molestation of children every week, and 50% or more of those reports involved someone at a church. Call me paranoid, but I’m not trying to take those chances with my son. Messing with kids can change the course of their entire lives. And messing with my child would change the course of mine–it’d take a whole lot of prayer to keep me from “putting them paws on em” <–#dontjudgeme, I watch reality TV, lol! But seriously, just say no to pervs who pretend to be saintly and trustworthy who prey on little kids.

2. I want my child to see me worshipping at church. He hears me singing my gospel songs all the time: when I’m trying to push through bad days, when I’m grateful for the life I have, or when I’m just making sure I still have the chops since I don’t use my talent very often. He sees me praying from time to time. He sees me reading the Bible for myself (although it’s usually online so he probably won’t actually identify what my physical Bible looks like… hmmm maybe I should pull it out sometimes as he gets older). And I read him Bible stories. I want him to see all of it because I’m his primary example.

3. Frederick needs to learn how to behave in different scenarios, and in church is one of them. He needs to see when it’s inappropriate to talk (how many adults do you know have side convos in the middle of the sermon? Precisely.), that he needs to be able to be still for a time period, and all the other things that come along with being at church or any other program where there are certain expectations. The only way to learn is to practice.

4. I hadn’t thought of it before reading this blog post about church nurseries, but the germs… I know Frederick is exposed to some at his primary childcare facility by virtue of just being around other people, but at least I know the procedures and precautions taken there.

So I’ll be writing a letter per my mom’s advice, and including this passage:

Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. And he laid his hands on them, and departed thence. Matthew 19:13-15

Expression Under New Management

Expression Under New Management

by Ranada ♥ 2 Comments

I haven’t been writing as much as I once did because I have felt stifled and unable to express myself freely. I am working on my perspective and figuring out what I need to do to feel okay to say what’s on my mind again.

I’ve realized that over the last year, I’ve begun caring a lot more than ever about what people think of me, how they interpret what I say (even when I didn’t think there was much wiggle room in the meaning), and how others may use my words against me. This is new territory for me because although of course I’m human so I’ve had some level of care, it never really stopped me from being who and what I wanted to be or saying whatever I had to say. Even when I was a Hillary Clinton fan in the 2008 primary election being questioned about my blackness, lol–I still didn’t shut up or let anyone make me feel less than awesome because of my beliefs. But now, I’ve found myself not wanting to share my feelings largely because of the fear that people will feed on the weaknesses that I have sometimes and exacerbate them or judge me for being on a path I didn’t plan to be on or anything else negative I haven’t been certain I could handle. That pit bull my ma has said I am has turned into a bit of a poodle. (But watch out because I’ve heard poodles aren’t wimps either!) Interesting turn of events.

I used to be a person who believed in taking risks and not having regrets, and I’ve now come to regret being that way. Isn’t that something? But I war with myself because I also feel like not taking risk is a risk in itself–a huge risk of one of the things that makes me who I am. But is that really who I am or is that just a chapter of my life? I dunno.

Stay with me. I’ll be back posting on a regular basis (instead of once a month) and writing posts better than ever soon (I hope).

Thanks to everyone who has been reading me since my old blog on blogger back in the day and those who read now. I appreciate you, especially those of you who comment and give me feedback.

Postpartum Musings

Postpartum Musings

by Ranada ♥ 11 Comments

Coming home to Mississippi is the best thing I could have done while recovering from having my baby. I really don’t know how I would have made it the past several weeks without my mom’s love and support. And being home just reconnects me to who I am at a critical time when some days it’s hard for me to see goodness in my life and makes me appreciate and savor the days when all I see is goodness.

Since a week or two before having my baby, I have experienced what it feels like to sit down, lol. First, because I was forced to healthwise, and now because of the old school notion that a mom needs to stay inside as much as possible during the first six weeks. At first it was super easy because I was still in lots of pain, but as the pain wears off and I only have short time periods of ailments, it’s still not so hard because being able to sit down and think through things is sometimes welcomed (and other times, I think myself into negativity, so not so good!). And of course, there’s just nothing like being around people who have known and loved you for as long as you can remember and who remind you what’s important in life and how we;ve already overcome so much and will continue to. Here, I can lay some of my burdens down and get myself together before I face the real world again.

And when I do enter the real world again, I have some things I need to change. I’m no longer a single gal doing whatever she wants when she wants. There are several things I need to get done to reorganize my life now that I’m a mom. Here are some highlights.

1. Getting my finances in order. Before I dropped out of my Ph.D. program in 2005, my financial health was pretty much pristine. Then I dropped out, forfeiting the grants I was receiving, leaving me with one part time job to choose which ends to meet. Although I haven’t been doing shabby nowadays, I’m definitely not where I should be to make sure this lil guy is comfortable and well taken care of. So, I’ve logged on to Mint, which I’ve used before but kinda ignored for the last couple of years to retrack my accounts, started on a new budget, and set some goals. I also renewed my LearnVest subscriptions. Now I just need to finish my budget (which includes the new massive childcare expense–I never knew how much it cost!), make sure my different forms of insurance are sufficient and in order, start an actual tax file folder so that I won’t be scrambling next year, and finally look into modifying my mortgage since I took such a hit in value like so many others in this nation (and especially in GA).

2.  Getting my eating habits back on track. There was a time that I was pretty healthy and cooked many meals from scratch (I was a size 4 then). Now that I have this guy, I not only need to eat much better than the routine I had for a while–skipping breakfast many days, eating not so healthy snacks for lunch, eating maybe one real meal a day, which would prolly be from a restaurant on the go–but I also need to make sure it fits within the budget I’m creating in #1. I definitely will have to cut out the eating out so much, just by virtue of budgeting and prolly time management, but I’m much more in tune with what I put in my body since it then goes into his. And I want to go ahead and get reacquainted with cooking regularly again since I will need to be in the habit once he’s eating solid foods. I’ve been collecting recipes (from countless books, websites, and blogs), and I’ve gotten an account on Food on the Table to help me take advantage of deals when I’m creating weekly meal plans (that I pray I stick to).

3. Making my schedule less hectic. I have to let go of some things so that I can have time to myself. Before I had Frederick, I may have gotten up 30 minutes before I needed to leave for work and I may have stayed awake until midnight or 1 am. Now I need to get up much earlier, and I hopefully will, in turn, go to bed much earlier. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to streamline things that aren’t work or taking care of Frederick, but we’ll see. I mean at the end of the day, my home life has now become #1 so anything I can’t get done will just have to wait or disappear. Right now, there’s no new resource for that besides me taking an inner oath to put everything (i.e. appointments, meetings, deadlines) on my Google docs and set a reminder!

4. Making my house a home. Now that I have a baby, I will actually be spending quality time at home. So I have to include in this new schedule of mine time to do a little bit of cleaning each day, including washing dishes and *gasp* doing at least one load of laundry daily. Getting my house to where it is (although I still have a ways to go before I’m proud of it) was overwhelming so I definitely have to keep that up as well as inch toward making it a place where I find peace of mind each day. Watching my mom since the week before I gave birth has been a lesson because it’s amazing how much she gets done each day.

5. Working on my pretty. My mom told me the week after I had Frederick that I have to work on getting my pretty back asap, and she’s right. Weight wise, I didn’t have any to lose (I gained a net of 10 pounds, and he weighed over 8.5), but I definitely need to tone up and work on my skin quality (in the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy I got stretch marks! and since I delivered, my tummy is discolored!) and I wouldn’t mind losing a couple more that was on my to do list before I even got pregnant. I also need to make myself get on a schedule with my hair (instead of waiting until I can’t stand to look at it anymore to do something to it) and go through my full regimen each day instead of going all day if I’m not going anywhere or just running errands looking busted (or my version of busted–I think I can still find a little solace in knowing my busted looks a little better than some people’s best but that’s neither here nor there–we’re talking about self-improvement here) or not fully put together. As my mom says, “There’s nothing like a pretty mama with a pretty baby.” 🙂 And with this also comes inner pretty. I’ve had some good and bad days mentally and emotionally, and I have to try my best to make an effort each day to do what I have to for good days. Learning to forgive, ignore, and focus on the positive isn’t as easy as it can sound, but I have to do what I can to make sure my full person is pretty.

So those are my new goals for the next few weeks. I may even throw in writing a few pages of the book my mom and I started years ago and set aside. But we’ll see. That’s the busy body, gotta pack my day Ranada trying to push through. Being home has taught me to enjoy time, so I need to make sure I incorporate that going forward even when I get back to the A.

Counting down

Counting down

by Ranada ♥ 5 Comments

19 days and counting. I’m full term (and sorry, I haven’t taken any pics of the 37 week belly yet!), which means if this little guy comes early, he should be a-ok developmentally.

This was a pretty rough week, but I’m feeling better and more positive. I get really overwhelmed and really down in the dumps at times, but as usual, prayer and long conversations with my mom and text messages from my pastor go a long way. Of course, it doesn’t help that people keep telling me they want this baby to come early–not like a few days, but weeks. Maybe women who have solid, nearby support systems like early babies, I don’t know, but him coming close to his due date is what I need but no one seems to really want to get that. And it’s not that I think I can control when he comes–I know I can’t, but I don’t like when people just disregard what I’ve said I need. Why not understand that I must need the time if I’m saying I’m ok with spending 3 more weeks with my physical ailments just so I can get as much stuff as I can done. Hopefully, my baby is feeling me and not all the people who mean well but need to understand that their excitement and rush are not well-received. Besides, I don’t know how I’d do with being a mama of a Taurus. But Gemini? Exciting times ahead, lol.

I see progress in my house, but Lordy, there’s a long way to go. Transitioning from an almost carefree, always-on-the-move, safe enough for me and Smokie lifestyle to a baby-centric, organized, secure one is definitely going to be a long-term process, but there are some things that I really need to happen before I bring Butterbean home from the hospital. And even more than that, my last day at work is not until May 29, so I really would like the ability to let my brain chill (or at least try!) just for a couple days before I go through the biggest physical challenge/emotional rollercoaster I’ve ever had. Is that too much to ask? My doctor and I talked this morning during my appointment just about what I want, and it almost threw me off because that’s almost never a topic of discussion. What I want. Not what I think is the easiest route or what will make other people feel comfortable or what I can do to bridge gaps or to make things run smoothly. Just simply what does Ranada want. And she told me that it is okay to be selfish in these last weeks and through my labor and delivery because this process of having a baby is about me and what I need to get through it. It’ll be stressful enough without me letting other people encroach on what I need right now. And what I need is support, period. I need to feel like I’m not doing this alone. I want to know that I can count on people without begging them for help. And if you can’t give any of that, just leave me alone till July (or just leave me alone, period, if that’s an option). It’s funny because I keep getting disappointed because despite my mom’s constant warnings not to have expectations, of course I have them (and I’m trying my best to stop!) and they’re not met. My ma says my problem is that I expect from people what I would do in a situation, and I can’t do that because they’re not me–they’re them. And that sucks. I want to scream at people, Hey, I’m pregnant every day. Not just Wednesday night or Sunday afternoon. I’m emotionally burdened almost everyday. The stuff I need done are ongoing projects. I don’t know why I should keep asking people to help me. So I don’t unless it is a single specific task because I understand that I’m just not a priority, and that’s just is what it is because people have their own lives and things to deal with. But because I can’t make myself keep asking people over and over if they’re going to help me, especially in this final stretch, I end up frustrated and overwhelmed as usual because I feel alone, and my parents aren’t here yet. And it makes me resent my “persona” that I’m a strong person who never lets anything get me down and who seems to be able to handle and do anything. Ok, compliment, I guess, but I’m human. But whatever I guess. It is what it is.

Earlier this week, my cousin Kesha reached out as she’s been great about doing over the last 8 months because she’s starting to get worried about me being at home alone. So last night, she and her brother and friend came over to help with my cable connections, but of course because I know nothing about TVs, one wasn’t able to be hooked up because I have to go back to the store and get equipment that I didn’t know I needed when I went to the store by myself. I think that’s funny though. The look on all their faces when I said I’ve never had TVs upstairs was hilarious. They were all like well what do you do?????? I really am not all that keen on having this one in my room (and I’m fighting not feeling like it’s a sign that it’s still not hooked up) because I just really want it for the weeks after I have him that I’m pretty sure I won’t feel like going up and down my staircase.

Anywho, (that was a tangent, huh?) I am really looking forward to my daddy coming because he’s an organization specialist, and that’s my biggest house (and car) need. Having stuff where it has a place so I won’t be tripping over stuff or throwing stuff in random spots because I didn’t have room where it needed to go. And frankly, making my house look like a home and not a storage bin, which is kinda what it’s been since I bought it since I haven’t spend major quality time there until now. My house has unfortunately been like a hotel to me. Before I had a baby in my belly, I went there to check on Smokie, feed and play with him, and to sleep at night. Besides that, I didn’t spend any real time there so I never really made it a home. And so I’ve had to take 4 almost 5 years of accumulated random stuff and put it somewhere, whether in the trash or in a box or in a designated space. And with my energy levels and physical restraints, it just hasn’t been an easy task. But I truly can see progress, so that’s a blessing! And like I said, my dad is coming so hopefully, when he leaves, I’ll really be able to breathe and feel like I’m not bringing my baby into a hazard zone.

I’m also excited that he’s coming just because he’s my daddy and always makes me feel important to him. I don’t have to wonder if he’s going to say screw it and leave if he doesn’t agree with me about something or if I ask for one more thing. And I don’t have to wonder what’s too much to ask because he’s my dad, and he’s always treated me like I matter. And I like his cooking, so I’m hoping I can get a couple meals out of him on top of the organizing, lol. Last week, I was craving some oatmeal, toast, and bacon–Rickey style. I don’t know why his tastes so much different than mine, but it does!

I’m also excited about him coming (and don’t tell him this part) because it makes the time between now and my mom getting here seem a little shorter. He’s filling some of that space. And if I go into labor while he’s here, I will be happy I have one of my parents to be with me in the hospital. <Flashback to him in the hospital with me in 1999. Car accident. Sigh.> Back to my ma, though–she’s really been my main artery to not crashing and burning since October, and I really just feel like I need her here with me. Which makes me feel a little demanding sometimes because I know she’s dealing with so much, but I really need her. She has been who I can call and just say I feel like I’m drowning and she’ll remind me of whatever I need to get me floating again. She has been the one to make me know that although I’m in Atlanta and feel isolated that in the grand scheme, I’m not because she’s thinking and caring about me and how I’m doing. So I can’t imagine going through this without here hopefully holding my hands and not screaming at me for holding my breath instead of breathing, lol.

I can’t believe I have 19 days or less before I am holding my little stinker in my arms. I can’t wait to stare at him and to kiss him and to say hey little dude that’s been playing soccer with my organs, nice to finally see your whole face and not the part you didn’t hide in the ultrasound! I wonder how big he’s going to be. One of my friends had her baby a couple days ago, and her little boy was a whopping 10 lbs 4 oz. WHOA NELLY! And I wonder if he’s going to be testy since I’ve been not so calm and collected while carrying him. (Babysitting nightmare much??? Ooops.) But maybe since he’s been the true anchor keeping me up in a sea of angst and discontent, he’ll come out the yin to my yang, lol. Not yelling all the time since hopefully, he has already witnessed how much mommy likes her quiet time, lol. Ok, I know, wishful thinking. But you never know!

Now, I’m rambling. I’m just happy it’s Friday, and I’m happy that I have been marking things off my to do list and that I can see a dot of light as I’m looking for the end of the tunnel. It’s going to be a long journey once he gets here, but first I need to conquer this one. I can say that at this moment, I’m proud of how strong I can be even though I don’t want to have to be so strong, and I’m proud of myself for coming this far. And I’ll be a proud somebody when I see this little boy in the flesh. Happy Friday!
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35 Weeks and Counting

35 Weeks and Counting

by Ranada ♥ 3 Comments

I have to say that as I head to the finish line of a fairly tumultuous pregnancy, I am so looking forward to meeting this big boy growing inside of me (and currently stretching and changing positions). I’m also looking forward to my time away from most of my other responsibilities while I just spend time with him, learning to take care of a newborn for the first time. I really can’t wait to his little face!

My house is coming along, very slowly but I think (and hope) surely. Between my cousin and my showers, I think (I’m still inventorying!) I have all the big stuff covered besides the storage things I need to order asap. His nursery has everything it needs besides paint. But back to the showers–I had nothing to do with either one, which was a brand new thing for me, and I appreciate my friends so much for such nice events. Not only were they really nice, but I also got a taste of letting go of control and letting people do nice things for me. Although I’m still not completely on board with being a “surprise” person, I can dig the surprise days of loving on Ranada. 🙂 Here are a couple of pics of me (with straight hair for the first time in two years!!) at my showers, my gracious hostesses, my core group of friends in Atlanta, and my mom and younger brother and Butterbean’s dad.

Atlanta

33 Weeks!
My Fab Hostesses minus one!
The Crew minus two

Jackson

34 Weeks!
My Hostesses and Beautiful Line Sisters
Love my family

The biggest thing I’ve had to learn over this time is that having faith is one thing when your life is moving along without many hiccups and quite another when you’re actually going through the low moments of your life. Having faith has been pretty hard, but I’m learning that although it’s so much easier to believe God knows what He’s doing when the skies are blue and the grass that really pretty shade of green, it’s most important to hold on to that belief when the sky is black in the middle of the day and it’s thundering and lightning and storming and there’s nothing but ugly concrete as far as the eye can see. And I think it’s pretty cool that the worst of my experience was during the “winter” (the little we had) where it was all ugly and rainy outside, and now that I’m so much more optimistic and positive, I see bright skies out my window and walk out into great weather. There are a couple of songs by Greg O’Quin ‘N Joyful Noize that have helped me during this trial as well as others.

I couldn’t find the other one on YouTube so here are some of the lyrics. It’s called “The Conversation”.

If I never had a rainy day, I’d never know You could brighten my day
If I never felt some loneliness, I’d never know of Your friendliness
If I never fell to the ground, I’d never know You could help me rebound

I’d never ever ever ever know You this way

If I never had a broken heart, I would never know You could mend the parts
If I never reached out for Your hand, I would never know You could help me stand
If I never had to shed a tear, I’d never know You are always near

I never knew You could save me, knew You could heal me, mend a broken heart… I never knew You could touch me, knew You could love me, I never knew until the day You showed me. To know You is to love You…

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Things Considered

Things Considered

by Ranada ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This week I hit the 50 day mark and am officially less than 2 months away from having a small little human being to take care of and love and hopefully steer onto his life’s true path. I’m more excited than I’ve been throughout this process of realizing how much my life is changing and how much I can’t control or even influence. As he gets bigger and I get more wobbly, he continues more and more to be the source of perspective and gives me literal kicks of reality.

Alonzo Austin
I wish I could find a picture with his longer hair and his crooked grin!

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my Uncle Lonzo a lot. And this, I’m sure, is for several reasons. One, he was the one who supported my mom when she was preggo with me, and I just appreciate everything he did for her and for me. Even years after, I still have some misty moments when I think about him being gone because I can only hope that he really knows just how much I loved/love him. He has literally given me the socks off his feet when I needed it. Two, although he’s gone I see so  much of him in his kids, who have really been amazing through my journey. It’s kind of another parallel of my mom’s life and my life. She had Lonzo, and I have his family to reach out at the exact right moments. To make me try to eat when I’m tired of trying (yes, I’m 33 weeks and I still get sick). To come with me to lamaze classes so that I’ll have a support partner. To give me a place to be when I’m really sick and need someone right there to help me if I need it. To just make me laugh and make me lighten up when I’m way too heavy. Record Deal (my cousin Kesha’s nickname for Butterbean) has nothing to worry about in terms of a circle of folks who will love him like my uncle loved me. 🙂

This week has been super rough because my character has been tested over and over again, and so far I’ve stayed true to who I want to be, but it has been stressful walking the line. And added stress is something I do not need. So let me divert my thoughts to something more pleasant because that’s not even worth the time in my first blog in April (!! I’m slippin!!)–Sunday is my first baby shower!! I don’t know anything about it–not even where the heck it is or what time it starts, but I am excited anyway (but not as much as I might be if I were not in the dark about every single detail imaginable!! Can you believe the girl who has her hands in everything has nothing to do with this!) because I can’t wait to see everybody and see what’s in store because at the end of the day, I don’t have shabby friends so I know it’s going to be great. I have friends from Chi and New York and Charlotte and Richmond and Kentucky (yeah I know that’s not a city, but hey) coming in to show their support and excitement over this big ole bundle of lovin (I love this little alien karate champ so much already!). And so, although I’m constantly making myself steer myself from something that makes me frown to something that makes me feel good and slightly giddy, I’m blessed to have those somethings to steer to.

And so here’s a song I’ve been loving and looking forward to feeling like this more days than not. Because I am so blessed! Through all the trials and issues, I know I am blessed and loved and supported and all that stuff. “Trouble gone happen; it’s just the way it be. Ain’t nothing coming easily in this life; sometimes you gotta work and you gotta grow and it gotta hurt–I’m sure you know; take a look around.”

So you folks that are constantly worried about me, keep on, lol. But not too much because I’ll be a-okay. And so will my baby. I finally believe that (even though sometimes it’s a true matter of faith but that’s what life is about, huh?). It’s amazing how many emotions I can feel in just one day, but I’m sure one day I’ll be grateful for them all. Maybe when my memoir hits the Best-Seller List. LOL Anywho, 7 weeks to go. We’re almost in countdown mode. PRAY FOR US. We got lots to do!

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100 Days Left!

100 Days Left!

by Ranada ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I cannot believe that in 100 days (give or take) I’ll be a full-fledged mommy. I have so much to do. I’m hoping that I can get the bulk of what I need done by the end of March–(finding a new bedroom suite that will add storage options for all of the clothes I decide to keep (I’m giving away ALOT of clothes to make room for this little guy), getting his nursery area emptied out and painted and baby furniture set up, getting my guest bedroom up to par for the uber awesome people who decide to come help me :-D, getting my downstairs better organized so things will be easier when I’m rushing, etc., and getting Smokie acclimated to not going in the nursery and familiar with new smells so he’ll be as ready as spoiled-dogly possible). Whew, I’m already tired! And I start all my classes in a couple weeks!

This morning, I came across this on Pinterest.

At first, I thought easier read than practiced. But then I kept reading it and considering it (and trying not to be a pessimist), and really, this is in line with my Lent goals. Thinking about all the good things that come with having my baby has been very helpful to coping with all the things that are/seem overwhelming. And when I feel I’m in trouble, I can either lash out, acting on my fear and anger, or I can be patient and believe that it’ll work out even if I don’t see how. And added to that, God keeps sending me people who help me by saying a kind word, sharing their own experiences with me, lending their talents to my plight (thanks Shannon (talent: throwing stuff away) for helping me sort through my massive amount of clothes and thanks Vonetta (talent: shopping for baby stuff and being persistent about it) for making me go to stores I would otherwise avoid, e.g. Buy Buy Baby and Babies R Us), sending unexpected cards that make me smile (and of course get misty because I’m a big cry baby), crossing stuff off the things I need before I even ask (thanks Rashida and mama!), and just making me laugh when I didn’t think it was possible.

Here are a couple of songs I’ve been trying to keep on my mind.

and

 Hold to God’s Unchanging Hand <– I can’t find a YouTube video where they’re singing like my Zion Travelers does! But basically, the song says that life isn’t always easy but to build your hope on things eternal.

So far so good with Lent. And I will admit that when I’m not worrying or wading in anger and negativity (it happens but either immediately or after a couple of tears, I remind myself to shift my thoughts to something else) feels much better. And I know it’s better for the baby. Saturday, one of God’s messengers (thank you Niki!) suggested I go get a pregnancy massage so I’m gonna look into that and I gotta get my schedule synced with my photographer friend so we can finally do my maternity pics. 🙂 And I’ve finally started doing better with my scrapbook pages. I have to get pictures printed but I’ve gotten four pages done to the point where all I need is to paste the pic.

Ok, gotta go. Hope everyone has a productive week!

Pregnancy Ticker

A Different Kinda Lent This Year

A Different Kinda Lent This Year

by Ranada ♥ 3 Comments

Usually at Lent, I give up things like soda or eating out or swearing. One year, I did a one-intentional-act-of kindness-per-day thing. This year, with everything going on with me, it’s going to be difficult, but I want to give up a different kind of “thing”. So I’m reporting to you while organizing my thoughts so bear with me.

1. Worry – This will be a major obstacle because I think if there was a contest in who worries the most, I might win. It’s really easy for me to hone in on an issue and just focus on how I don’t see a solution. So during the next 40 days, my goal will be to see the problem, try to think of a solution, and if one doesn’t surface, tell myself that God will work it out–no matter how many times I have to tell myself. So that I can stop losing sleep over things I can’t control, getting rid of my nasty habit of worry would be awesome.

2. Anger – A couple of years ago, I really worked on managing my anger and not letting it get the best of me (and not snapping on folks without any hesitation). You can’t control your feelings–but you can definitely control your actions. But to do so, you have to have reign over your emotions. You can’t let your emotions be the boss of you. I’ve had some moments lately where I could barely function because I let my anger consume me. And that’s not healthy, and I know that. So, to lower the stove from high to low, I need to try to give up anger over the next 40 days and focus on not reacting automatically to things that (again) I can’t control.

3. Believing in the worst – This is closely tied to #1. When you worry the way I can when I allow myself to, the worst scenario becomes very real and easily blocks out all other possibilities. I realized I had started doing this yesterday when I talked to my ma. I had just told someone that getting a new bedroom suite was unfathomable the day before because I have so much other stuff to get done before baby boy gets here. And she casually reminded me that I have an investment account that I think about once a year when I report the dividends on my taxes that is just enough to cover getting the package that I really need to get my bedroom in order so that mommy’s mister won’t have to take a nap in a pile of clothes that won’t fit in any of my current storage options. Just like that, a solution that I wouldn’t have considered negated that unfathomable notion. What’s unfathomable when you actually get back to believing that God protects us and looks after us?

4. Motivation Lulls – Sometimes I just get to the point where I don’t have the motivation to check things off my list and I don’t even feel like looking for a burst of inspiration to get me moving. Whether it be working on the baby’s scrapbook, sorting clothes to give away to make room, or getting off my patooty and going to the gym to make sure I’m in shape when the day comes when I’ll need to be in shape. I need to get rid of that lazy/uninterested/overwhelmed/pessimistic thing that happens and prevents me from being productive.

I could definitely think of more if I tried, but I think these 4 will take enough effort to leave behind. Are you giving up anything for these next 40 days? If so, feel free to share!