In the last two days, I’ve seen nifty Instagram and Pinterest photos and had several conversations about being in the moment. MESSAGE. lol! It’s difficult for me to fully be present in a moment because I’m usually planning the next two moments and/or worrying about the next three moments. I will admit, though, being a mother has given me the ability to let go and be present because it seems that Frederick is doing something new every second. In the evenings when I get home from work, I look forward to just being with him and talking to him and playing with him and reading to him. If I can just apply whatever magic happens when I’m with my baby that lets me block out what has happened and what might happen next to the rest of my life, I’d be living a helluva life.
A friend of mine asked me yesterday what is the purpose of life. I told her it’s to figure out how to be in the moment. And that most of us don’t learn until we’re too old and decrepit to enjoy it. She agreed. So here’s to me and anyone else out there trying to learn how to just be in the present.
When you were still in my belly, I used to read a poem to you almost every day.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)
This poem only begins to attempt to put into words what I feel for you. The depth of my love for you is more than I ever knew was even possible. You are my inspiration, my motivation, and my raison d’être. When I didn’t know how I would go on, you were my gentle push. I am an infinitely better person because of you. Every morning, when I look at your face when you pop up grinning after waking up, and every night, after you finally doze off after a long day of adventure, I thank God for the privilege of being your mother. I will always put your needs first (even if you don’t like it as you get older!), and I will always do what I can to expose you to the tangible and intangible things that will help you grow into a strong, productive, respectful man. Taking care of you makes me want to take care of myself. Loving you makes me know that I’m not only capable of giving love, but receiving it. You are truly the best thing I never knew I needed, and I’m so grateful for everything you’ve brought and will bring to my life.
So I know I’ve been ghost (being a single mother is consuming!) and I know I usually try to only publish positive posts, but I’ve got to share this:
What Is the Definition of Manhood?
I already think about this regularly since every now and then, I hear comments or see slick pictures about single mothers being their own reason for their plight. Let’s be clear. Yes, I made a mistake: thinking that the guy I cared for would care for me. But it’s not a woman’s fault if he makes a conscious decision to be a suck ass father, especially if she’s tried to bridge the co-parenting gap. People can say or think what they want about me being a single mom, but I’m slowly but surely learning that the only person I can control is Ranada. And my job is to make sure my son knows he is loved, secure, and taken care of. I sacrifice daily and nightly for him, and if people can’t understand that raising a child alone is not a cup of tea, so the freak what? The only people that matter are the people who care about and love me and my little family and support me, not try to tear me down. Ok, now moving on. In the words of Beyonce, any questions?
This really hit home this week because the asswipe across the street has threatened me twice in a week. A grown ass “man” who doesn’t even know me bringing his ass outside to scream and curse at a single woman with a 20 lb dog. Am I supposed to respect this person who is beating on his chest in front of someone who clearly couldn’t take him physically if I had to? But no worries, I’ve reported him to my HOA and I plan on filing a police report later today. It makes no sense that I can’t walk my damn dog without worrying if this lunatic is going to come outside acting crazy. After the first threat, I really was just pissed off. But after the second, I’m kind of alarmed because of stories like this. People are crazy!!!!! And with this guy, I feel like if you really think it’s okay to harass a single woman just because you think she doesn’t have anyone to back her up, YOU SUCK. And you’re not a man. You’re a punk ass bully.
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, back to the regularly scheduled positive program. If you’re missing me, please like my Facebook page or follow my Twitter page–I post on there often. Just remember, the black community will NEVER be strong if men don’t cherish and respect women and vice versa. Women weren’t put here to be doormats–we were put here to complement our men and help build our communities up. So if all else fails, use the golden rule. Treat others the way you’d want to be treated. Happy Thursday!
BTW – the Hindu question in the picture means “Do you have any idea whose son I am?” (disclaimer: according to the internet!)
The new year has commenced, and I’m happy about it! Much of 2012 sucked monkey balls for me, and I’m very enthusiastic about 2013 and the refreshed outlook I have on my life. Life is good. My baby is beautiful and healthy. My dog allows me to have peace every now and then. I love my hair. I have amazing family and friends. I love my job. I did a lot of reprogramming myself to shift my focus to what is good in 2012, and it has worked because I feel great these days. 🙂
I wish for you a year of triumphs, lessons, laughs, love, and fun. Happy New Year!
2012 has been an emotional roller coaster. But I keep getting reminders that “God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7 And even though my coworkers may think I’m a bit emotionally unstable since I get a little choked up when I’m trying to talk about it, I really am okay. Just in another reflective mood.
How I’m feeling
Yesterday morning, I received the news that my sorority sister, who has been supportive of me since I joined TEO in 2005, passed. She was actually the person who gave me the last nudge (or slight push off the cliff) I needed to run for Vice President, and she was the person who nominated me for the position. As with so many of the seasoned ladies in my chapter, she always had a kind word, encouragement, and solid advice to give me, even when I wasn’t looking for it. Rest in peace, Soror Thetus Knox. We’ll miss you truly.
Soror Thetus Knox was serious about getting our community registered to vote. She’s holding the sign on the left.
Then, last night, my dad’s shop caught on fire. My granddaddy opened Robinson Shoe Shop in 1957. It’s been a sort of anchor for my family. I have fond memories of when it was in North Jackson, and my daddy would take me over to spend time with my granddaddy. My granddaddy would sit me on the counter, and I’d watch him interact with customers and work on shoes. I still remember my daddy making new signs for the business when it moved. And after it had been closed for some time, I remember how it brought my daddy a new spirit when he was able to reopen it in the location it’s in now. Even now as an adult, sometimes I’d go when I’m in town and just sit, watching my daddy interact with customers, laugh at the friendly conversation, and watch my daddy work on shoes (including the pile I always bring with me). I was so excited to bring Frederick with me this past time. Just imagining the damages and loss brings tears to my eyes because some of the items are irreplaceable. My dad’s waiting area was full of his extensive Negro League Baseball memorabilia collection. Just the day before Thanksgiving he showed me an antique scorecard he had gotten and added to the collection. And the equipment in the back was the same equipment his dad used. But at the end of the day, I have to be grateful that we lost a business and not my daddy. He says that if he had been there, he would have put the fire out. But the fact that he had just closed up and gone home, and the fact that out of all the people who live in Jackson, it was my older brother who spotted the fire and started alerting people, lets me know that everything does happen for a reason. And there’s a reason he wasn’t there when the fire started. Another thing I’m grateful for is the fact that all the trials my family has endured this year has brought us closer together.
RICKey and FredeRICK sharing laughs in the shoe shop
And so, because I have to stay above water on the emotional rollercoaster, let me highlight some of the positive things going on. Thursday is Frederick’s half-birthday. Six whole months we’ve made it through. He’s big, happy, and thriving. He’s eating green beans, squash, and bananas. He’s scooting up a storm and trying his best to crawl. He’s gibber jabbering and giggling and giving me belly laughs every chance he gets. He’s really the highlight of 2012 and really, my life.
The light of my life sharing a night of looking at holiday lights with me
I’m going to a homegoing service (and I’m going to attempt to read a passage in honor of Soror Thetus) next week, but I’m also going to a wedding later in the week. A friend of mine who is a fellow mommy of a little cute boy is getting married on 12-12-12 ❤ and asked me to sing. I’m honored. And I can’t wait to share in the blessing of their nuptials.
So there it is. A whole bunch of stuff in a matter of 2 weeks. And thank God I’m strong enough to deal with it all.
And here’s the song that popped in my brain when I was trying to think of a creative title (sorry to disappoint).
Here’s the final installment. I wonder if I’ve been more positive as I take the time each day to speak out loud (and write out) something I’m thankful for. I think I’ll keep it going in a journal. Anywho, here goes!
24. I’m just thankful for life and love. Thankful for a good day.
[Update: This wasn’t a cop out. I really just had a good content day.]
25. I’m thankful for so much it’s overwhelming! I’m thankful for the opportunity to give God’s blessing to me back to Him. I’m thankful that Frederick knows and is loved by all four of his grandparents. I’m thankful that my grandmother has had the opportunity to hold Frederick multiple times. I’m thankful to have had both of my brothers, both of my parents, both of my aunts, 1st cousins from both sides of my family, and two special friends witness Frederick’s blessing today and eat with us after. I’m thankful for Rev. Daniel Watkins who keeps me prayed up and reminds whose I am when I’m starting to forget. I’m thankful for family, fellowship, and faith.
Baby Blessing – 11/25/12
26. I’m thankful to have gotten home safely after a long trip with a teething baby. I’m thankful to have found my home safe and sound. I’m thankful for a wonderful but too short trip to my home base.
27. I’m thankful for protection against dangers seen and unseen. I’m also thankful that my teething baby is finally sleep. Guess I need to close my eyes too.
28. I’m thankful (and sad at the same time) that Frederick is such a big boy. He ate food for the first time today and was a champ. I’m thankful he didn’t spit those green beans back at me, lol.
All done – Yum yum mama!
[Update: Day #3 of eating green beans was 10x messier than the first day. It was full of Frederick grabbing the spoon trying to feed himself and blowing green spit bubbles. :)]
29. I’m thankful for imagination and the ability to dream. My mom Mary Robinson and I had fun planning what we’d do with $500 million, lol. And now that we’ve awaken from that dream, I’m thankful for the provisions I already have!
30. I’m unbelievably thankful that today is Friday and I don’t have a busy weekend ahead. I’m going to straighten up downstairs and decorate the house, and I’m going to take Frederick to the Atlanta Botanical Garden with TEO to see their lights display. And I’m going to cook a couple of times (including this breakfast rice I scarfed down at Zion Travelers on Thanksgiving). And I’m going to RELAX.
Just the beginning!
31. I’m thankful to have an awesome support system in my family, my friends, and my sorors. I’m thankful for the “best of times and the worst of times” 2012 brought because it has made me the woman I am, and I kinda like me! I’m also thankful for following through with my 31 days of Thanksgiving. There’s always something to be thankful for each and every moment, we just have to remember to focus on the good and work around the rest.
Here’s the second installment, and I’m stopping on the special day that was my BIRTHDAY!! I’m blessed. 🙂
Content
12. I’m thankful for 3 day weekends. I feel as rested as a single mother of a five month old can feel, lol. Also, Happy Veterans Day to all who have served, past and present, especially my grandfathers and my cousins!
13. I’m thankful for God’s perfection. I appreciate him not always letting me have my way because he knows my future and what needs to happen to get me there. Who knows where I’d be if my plans always worked out. What glitters isn’t always gold. Or even if it glittered with no glitches, my imagination is small stuff compared to what God can do.
14. I’m thankful for my health and for Frederick’s health. We haven’t had any major problems since he got here. I’m also very thankful to have been able to nurse him thus far! <side note: as I was typing this status, a flu shot commercial came on–was that a omen???>
[update: I went and got a flu shot later that week and still got sick, lol]
15. I’m thankful for the gift of resourcefulness. I’ve learned how to think outside the box when I need to. Small example: I got to work this morning and realized I forgot to pack bottles for pumping. I found a couple of rubber bands, grabbed some storage bags, and made it do what it do. 🙂
16. I’m thankful for The Learning Village and my daycare provider Dianne Coggins. I can breathe more easily knowing that someone I know and trust is caring for Frederick while I’m at work. It definitely made my transition back into the working world easier. I’m also thankful that she gives parents a Parents Night Out, which I’m gonna use to go get my hair laid and treat myself to dinner and maybe a movie if I take a nap under the dryer. 🙂
[update: I didn’t go to the movies, but I did make a full spa day out of the afternoon/evening. I got my hair done as planned, then got a mani/pedi and visited Sweet Samba before treating myself to dinner!]
17. I am thankful for a reason to get glammed up! I love formal events, semi-formal events, cocktail events, etc. Any reason to put on a beautiful dress, get the hair in a special do, and use more makeup than usual. And to think, I was the rebel quasi-tomboy girl back when I was invited to participate in my first pageant in 10th grade. Boy, how things change. AND I’m thankful if you’re supporting The Twenty Pearls Foundation Incorporated tonight and attending A Hush Affair!
All dolled up
18. I’m thankful for the adversity my friends and I have faced, and we still find ways to thrive this year. No one told me 2012 would be rough, but God has a plan–and we are being made better! #muchlove
Peter 3:3
19. I’m thankful for solution-oriented friends. In the last 36 hours, Jennifer, Vee, Kendra, Rashida, and Ashleyhave figured out how to make something happen for me. Thanks ladies! Smooches!
20. I’m thankful for my neighbors. I always wanted to live in a neighborhood where I liked the people living around me, and Candace, Latoya, and Mary are awesome! I appreciate them more than they know!
21. I’m thankful for traveling grace. I’m also thankful for peace of mind. After you’ve done all you can, you just stand.
22. I’m thankful for our holiday tradition of attending church and breakfast at Zion Travelers Baptist Church. I am thankful for a church family that has been a support system no matter where in the world I am!
23. I’m thankful for 31 years of blessings, adventures, and laughs. And I’m thankful for a timeline full of birthday wishes. And most of all, I’m thankful to bring in my 31st birthday as a mommy to my sweet sweet thang!
On November 1, I decided to join a Facebook Thanksgiving challenge, where I would post daily what I’m thankful for. Yes, I know November has only 30 days–it is my birth month, yanno :), but I chose 31 days because I turned 31 years old this year. I’ll post these in three installments since 31 is a bit much for one post. So here’s the first part of a rundown of the many many things I’m grateful for.
I’m thankful for my healthy, juicy, alert son!
I’m thankful for my love for math and research (and my capacity to understand it) and a job that leverages that love and uses it to help communities across the country.
I’m thankful to be a homeowner. Even though the market slammed me, it’s nice to have my special place. And I’m thankful to have newfound motivation (FDT) to get it organized and redecorated!
I’m thankful for a mom (Mary Robinson) who loves and supports me through it all. And I’m thankful to be closer to her than ever before as I understand more and more each day what it is to be a mom. I thank her for giving me a stellar example to follow.
I’m thankful for my culinary skills. Did some cooking this weekend and I have to pat myself on the back. And I have to give shouts out to my parents, my granddaddy, and my Aunt Sweet for teaching me how to fill my belly with yumminess.
I’m thankful that to vote, all I had to do was make sure my information was accurate, then get in my car and drive to my precinct and push a few buttons–NOT pay a poll tax, take a literacy test, walk for miles, get spit on, or put myself or my family in harm’s way. Exercise your right!
I’m thankful for the experiences I’ve had as an AKA. Over the last 13 years, I have (and continue to) learned lessons (a slew of them), made lifelong friends, amped up my community service efforts, road tripped, partied, had fun, and developed my leadership skills by putting them to the test. No one could believe I let anyone tell me what to do for a whole semester, but it was so worth it. 🙂
I’m thankful to have too many clothes vs. not enough. I’m in the process of making more room for my growing baby, and I’m just grateful to have had more than I need and to have looked good in it. 🙂
I’m thankful for a world full of adventures and culture. Although I’ve had to significantly decrease my mileage, I’ve had the opportunity to spend time in several states across the country as well as six countries (seven if you count driving through Luxembourg). And I live vicariously through my friends. I collect postcards and magnets, and my fridge is covered with postcards from other countries from my friends’ travels too. (The latest from this year come from Vee‘s trip to Australia, Mallory‘s trip to Ghana, and Paula‘s trip to Jerusalem.) How blessed we are to see what the world has to offer and to have a safe place to come back to!
I’m thankful for my family. I couldn’t ask for a better support system. They are crazy when I can’t be, positive and encouraging when I’m sad, and always funny. And they take care of me any chance they get. ♥ ♥ ♥
I thank GOD for the truth. What’s done in the dark will always come to the light, and I thank Him for personal growth and the development of my patience and trust in God’s plans.
It’s been a long road for me over the last year, and figuring out how to focus on positive things instead of my trials has been key. I still have my moments when I just don’t understand various aspects of my life, but at the end of the day, I have to hold on to (and remind myself of) my belief that everything happens for a reason and that God’s plan is perfect.
For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! – 2 Corinthians 4:17
I came across a song on Spotify yesterday that made me travel back in time and up to today’s reality within the 3 minutes and change that the song lasted. It reminded me of a song by Musiq that I loved from the moment I first heard the opening melody and provided me with a timely follow-up/update to it. Here’s Greatestlove by Musiq–the song that represents the past.
Baby, you and me, we’re so good together
Look at how we harmonize
Girl, we’re like the perfect melody that keeps getting better
We can stand the test of time
All we had were letters till we formed the words
Started from the lyrics till we found the verses that can bridge us through
Baby, we could be the greatest love song…
And here is the song I found yesterday. I’ve listened to Karina Pasian on YouTube and added her to a couple of playlists, but I had never heard this song until I searched her name in Spotify. I looked for the song on YouTube so that I could share it and only found the live version, which is still good but you can’t hear the lyrics as well as you can, of course, in the official recording. You would think I would have had this epiphany after hearing Melanie Fiona’s Wrong Side of a Love Song, but that song didn’t speak to me the way this one did. Although, I could probably have gone with Toni Braxton’s Another Sad Love Song, but it doesn’t use the metaphor of music like these two (Musiq and Karina) do. Anyway, here’s the song that represents the present.
Now all that’s left of us is just another melody
Just another song I sing
Can’t believe you’re just music on my radio Not in love with you no more
I’m over you
We used to be a symphony
You used to be my everything
Now you’re just just another melody…
If you know me, you know how much of a music fiend I am, so using music as a metaphor for love is just perfect to me–touches my soul in a special place. I love how songs can capture how I feel at a given moment or over a span of time, so I thought I’d share a little glimpse of my experience (which makes me a wee bit uneasy, but I’m going for the gusto, lol). Happy Friday!
I haven’t been writing as much as I once did because I have felt stifled and unable to express myself freely. I am working on my perspective and figuring out what I need to do to feel okay to say what’s on my mind again.
I’ve realized that over the last year, I’ve begun caring a lot more than ever about what people think of me, how they interpret what I say (even when I didn’t think there was much wiggle room in the meaning), and how others may use my words against me. This is new territory for me because although of course I’m human so I’ve had some level of care, it never really stopped me from being who and what I wanted to be or saying whatever I had to say. Even when I was a Hillary Clinton fan in the 2008 primary election being questioned about my blackness, lol–I still didn’t shut up or let anyone make me feel less than awesome because of my beliefs. But now, I’ve found myself not wanting to share my feelings largely because of the fear that people will feed on the weaknesses that I have sometimes and exacerbate them or judge me for being on a path I didn’t plan to be on or anything else negative I haven’t been certain I could handle. That pit bull my ma has said I am has turned into a bit of a poodle. (But watch out because I’ve heard poodles aren’t wimps either!) Interesting turn of events.
I used to be a person who believed in taking risks and not having regrets, and I’ve now come to regret being that way. Isn’t that something? But I war with myself because I also feel like not taking risk is a risk in itself–a huge risk of one of the things that makes me who I am. But is that really who I am or is that just a chapter of my life? I dunno.
Stay with me. I’ll be back posting on a regular basis (instead of once a month) and writing posts better than ever soon (I hope).
Thanks to everyone who has been reading me since my old blog on blogger back in the day and those who read now. I appreciate you, especially those of you who comment and give me feedback.
In the last two days, I’ve seen nifty Instagram and Pinterest photos and had several conversations about being in the moment. MESSAGE. lol! It’s difficult for me to fully be present in a moment because I’m usually planning the next two moments and/or worrying about the next three moments. I will admit, though, being a mother has given me the ability to let go and be present because it seems that Frederick is doing something new every second. In the evenings when I get home from work, I look forward to just being with him and talking to him and playing with him and reading to him. If I can just apply whatever magic happens when I’m with my baby that lets me block out what has happened and what might happen next to the rest of my life, I’d be living a helluva life.
Real Middle School Mom of Atlanta 