A couple of nights ago, my mom told me that my aunt Rita wasn’t doing so well. I knew she was starting to prepare me for the worst, but somewhere in my brain I couldn’t believe that my aunt, who has always been the epitome of a fighter, whether for her kids, for her grandchildren, for her nieces and nephews, for her brothers, for her parents, out on the softball field, or for her life—this isn’t her first battle with cancer, would start giving up. Even though signs were pointing to her possibly being too tired to keep pushing through this one, no not my Rita Kaye, who carries tasers and pocket knives on her at all times. So although it’s been weighing on my mind, I couldn’t allow myself to get really upset about the possibility of losing yet another special family member so soon.
Earlier that day, my pastor had sent this text:
Eph 2:8 for by grace are ye saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God.
Then yesterday morning, I got this Bible verse of the day.
Psalm 46:1-3
46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. 2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, 3 though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah…
Verse 2 really hit a nerve for me!
Then this morning, I got this one.
Isaiah 61:1
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound…
Then, when I had my daily commute convo with my mom this morning, she told me that my aunt is willing to try another route of treatment, which says to us that she is definitely not giving up. This fight is just a little more daunting than the other times. I didn’t cry when my ma told me she was worried about her, but I did cry this morning because I just want to keep being able to see her when I visit, and I want Frederick to see why I love her so much. And I want Frederick to show her his baseball skills too–add to the family tradition, you know. 🙂 So I am keeping faith that she’ll win again against the ugliness of cancer.
My family seems to be ground zero for cancer. I’ve lost several family members to different variations of the disease, and I have a couple of survivors that I keep in my brain any time I even think I may want to start worrying about whether or not I will fight it myself. And yes, it’s always a slight possibility in my brain–I have had a serious headache for over a week, and I kept steering myself from being afraid that it was more serious than maybe stress. (And, no, I am NOT a hypochondriac!) Turns out it’s a sinus infection. 🙂 But this just speaks to how much family (BOTH sides) has dealt with cancer. And even still, I usually don’t participate in Relay for Life, but how can I not this year with my dad’s only sister fighting for her life as we speak? So I am participating, and I hope you will either join my team, if you are in Atlanta, or support my fundraising efforts. Just remember–someone you know, maybe even you or me, may need the cure in the future.
2012 has been an emotional roller coaster. But I keep getting reminders that “God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7 And even though my coworkers may think I’m a bit emotionally unstable since I get a little choked up when I’m trying to talk about it, I really am okay. Just in another reflective mood.
How I’m feeling
Yesterday morning, I received the news that my sorority sister, who has been supportive of me since I joined TEO in 2005, passed. She was actually the person who gave me the last nudge (or slight push off the cliff) I needed to run for Vice President, and she was the person who nominated me for the position. As with so many of the seasoned ladies in my chapter, she always had a kind word, encouragement, and solid advice to give me, even when I wasn’t looking for it. Rest in peace, Soror Thetus Knox. We’ll miss you truly.
Soror Thetus Knox was serious about getting our community registered to vote. She’s holding the sign on the left.
Then, last night, my dad’s shop caught on fire. My granddaddy opened Robinson Shoe Shop in 1957. It’s been a sort of anchor for my family. I have fond memories of when it was in North Jackson, and my daddy would take me over to spend time with my granddaddy. My granddaddy would sit me on the counter, and I’d watch him interact with customers and work on shoes. I still remember my daddy making new signs for the business when it moved. And after it had been closed for some time, I remember how it brought my daddy a new spirit when he was able to reopen it in the location it’s in now. Even now as an adult, sometimes I’d go when I’m in town and just sit, watching my daddy interact with customers, laugh at the friendly conversation, and watch my daddy work on shoes (including the pile I always bring with me). I was so excited to bring Frederick with me this past time. Just imagining the damages and loss brings tears to my eyes because some of the items are irreplaceable. My dad’s waiting area was full of his extensive Negro League Baseball memorabilia collection. Just the day before Thanksgiving he showed me an antique scorecard he had gotten and added to the collection. And the equipment in the back was the same equipment his dad used. But at the end of the day, I have to be grateful that we lost a business and not my daddy. He says that if he had been there, he would have put the fire out. But the fact that he had just closed up and gone home, and the fact that out of all the people who live in Jackson, it was my older brother who spotted the fire and started alerting people, lets me know that everything does happen for a reason. And there’s a reason he wasn’t there when the fire started. Another thing I’m grateful for is the fact that all the trials my family has endured this year has brought us closer together.
RICKey and FredeRICK sharing laughs in the shoe shop
And so, because I have to stay above water on the emotional rollercoaster, let me highlight some of the positive things going on. Thursday is Frederick’s half-birthday. Six whole months we’ve made it through. He’s big, happy, and thriving. He’s eating green beans, squash, and bananas. He’s scooting up a storm and trying his best to crawl. He’s gibber jabbering and giggling and giving me belly laughs every chance he gets. He’s really the highlight of 2012 and really, my life.
The light of my life sharing a night of looking at holiday lights with me
I’m going to a homegoing service (and I’m going to attempt to read a passage in honor of Soror Thetus) next week, but I’m also going to a wedding later in the week. A friend of mine who is a fellow mommy of a little cute boy is getting married on 12-12-12 ❤ and asked me to sing. I’m honored. And I can’t wait to share in the blessing of their nuptials.
So there it is. A whole bunch of stuff in a matter of 2 weeks. And thank God I’m strong enough to deal with it all.
And here’s the song that popped in my brain when I was trying to think of a creative title (sorry to disappoint).
Here’s the final installment. I wonder if I’ve been more positive as I take the time each day to speak out loud (and write out) something I’m thankful for. I think I’ll keep it going in a journal. Anywho, here goes!
24. I’m just thankful for life and love. Thankful for a good day.
[Update: This wasn’t a cop out. I really just had a good content day.]
25. I’m thankful for so much it’s overwhelming! I’m thankful for the opportunity to give God’s blessing to me back to Him. I’m thankful that Frederick knows and is loved by all four of his grandparents. I’m thankful that my grandmother has had the opportunity to hold Frederick multiple times. I’m thankful to have had both of my brothers, both of my parents, both of my aunts, 1st cousins from both sides of my family, and two special friends witness Frederick’s blessing today and eat with us after. I’m thankful for Rev. Daniel Watkins who keeps me prayed up and reminds whose I am when I’m starting to forget. I’m thankful for family, fellowship, and faith.
Baby Blessing – 11/25/12
26. I’m thankful to have gotten home safely after a long trip with a teething baby. I’m thankful to have found my home safe and sound. I’m thankful for a wonderful but too short trip to my home base.
27. I’m thankful for protection against dangers seen and unseen. I’m also thankful that my teething baby is finally sleep. Guess I need to close my eyes too.
28. I’m thankful (and sad at the same time) that Frederick is such a big boy. He ate food for the first time today and was a champ. I’m thankful he didn’t spit those green beans back at me, lol.
All done – Yum yum mama!
[Update: Day #3 of eating green beans was 10x messier than the first day. It was full of Frederick grabbing the spoon trying to feed himself and blowing green spit bubbles. :)]
29. I’m thankful for imagination and the ability to dream. My mom Mary Robinson and I had fun planning what we’d do with $500 million, lol. And now that we’ve awaken from that dream, I’m thankful for the provisions I already have!
30. I’m unbelievably thankful that today is Friday and I don’t have a busy weekend ahead. I’m going to straighten up downstairs and decorate the house, and I’m going to take Frederick to the Atlanta Botanical Garden with TEO to see their lights display. And I’m going to cook a couple of times (including this breakfast rice I scarfed down at Zion Travelers on Thanksgiving). And I’m going to RELAX.
Just the beginning!
31. I’m thankful to have an awesome support system in my family, my friends, and my sorors. I’m thankful for the “best of times and the worst of times” 2012 brought because it has made me the woman I am, and I kinda like me! I’m also thankful for following through with my 31 days of Thanksgiving. There’s always something to be thankful for each and every moment, we just have to remember to focus on the good and work around the rest.
Here’s the second installment, and I’m stopping on the special day that was my BIRTHDAY!! I’m blessed. 🙂
Content
12. I’m thankful for 3 day weekends. I feel as rested as a single mother of a five month old can feel, lol. Also, Happy Veterans Day to all who have served, past and present, especially my grandfathers and my cousins!
13. I’m thankful for God’s perfection. I appreciate him not always letting me have my way because he knows my future and what needs to happen to get me there. Who knows where I’d be if my plans always worked out. What glitters isn’t always gold. Or even if it glittered with no glitches, my imagination is small stuff compared to what God can do.
14. I’m thankful for my health and for Frederick’s health. We haven’t had any major problems since he got here. I’m also very thankful to have been able to nurse him thus far! <side note: as I was typing this status, a flu shot commercial came on–was that a omen???>
[update: I went and got a flu shot later that week and still got sick, lol]
15. I’m thankful for the gift of resourcefulness. I’ve learned how to think outside the box when I need to. Small example: I got to work this morning and realized I forgot to pack bottles for pumping. I found a couple of rubber bands, grabbed some storage bags, and made it do what it do. 🙂
16. I’m thankful for The Learning Village and my daycare provider Dianne Coggins. I can breathe more easily knowing that someone I know and trust is caring for Frederick while I’m at work. It definitely made my transition back into the working world easier. I’m also thankful that she gives parents a Parents Night Out, which I’m gonna use to go get my hair laid and treat myself to dinner and maybe a movie if I take a nap under the dryer. 🙂
[update: I didn’t go to the movies, but I did make a full spa day out of the afternoon/evening. I got my hair done as planned, then got a mani/pedi and visited Sweet Samba before treating myself to dinner!]
17. I am thankful for a reason to get glammed up! I love formal events, semi-formal events, cocktail events, etc. Any reason to put on a beautiful dress, get the hair in a special do, and use more makeup than usual. And to think, I was the rebel quasi-tomboy girl back when I was invited to participate in my first pageant in 10th grade. Boy, how things change. AND I’m thankful if you’re supporting The Twenty Pearls Foundation Incorporated tonight and attending A Hush Affair!
All dolled up
18. I’m thankful for the adversity my friends and I have faced, and we still find ways to thrive this year. No one told me 2012 would be rough, but God has a plan–and we are being made better! #muchlove
Peter 3:3
19. I’m thankful for solution-oriented friends. In the last 36 hours, Jennifer, Vee, Kendra, Rashida, and Ashleyhave figured out how to make something happen for me. Thanks ladies! Smooches!
20. I’m thankful for my neighbors. I always wanted to live in a neighborhood where I liked the people living around me, and Candace, Latoya, and Mary are awesome! I appreciate them more than they know!
21. I’m thankful for traveling grace. I’m also thankful for peace of mind. After you’ve done all you can, you just stand.
22. I’m thankful for our holiday tradition of attending church and breakfast at Zion Travelers Baptist Church. I am thankful for a church family that has been a support system no matter where in the world I am!
23. I’m thankful for 31 years of blessings, adventures, and laughs. And I’m thankful for a timeline full of birthday wishes. And most of all, I’m thankful to bring in my 31st birthday as a mommy to my sweet sweet thang!
I’m in a really upbeat mood. Despite the fact that it’s the end of the month and my money is dwindling. Despite the fact that there’s one person who has a hopefully not permanent spot nagging the back of my brain. My mood is because I am so blessed that I simply can’t give more than a few seconds of thought at a time to what’s not awesome. In the last couple of weeks alone, I’ve gotten reassurance and encouragement from my mom, pastor, and friends. I’ve had friends give Frederick clothes, more and more books, and a box of diapers, treat me to dinner, help me with my baby scrapbook, and spend time chilling with me and the munchkin (giving me some adult time!). There was even an older sorority sister, who remembers me from college when she was a middle school teacher who helped me and my committee for a couple of years host science fairs, who called me out of the blue (or should I say out of the pink? 🙂 ) to check on me and get my address so she could send me a little something for Frederick. I hadn’t talked to her in YEARS, but she still has fond memories of me and was happy for me when she heard I’d had a little one.
I wake up every morning to a little boy who grins every time I kiss him. Smokie is still my sweet (and spoiled) honey baby who is getting used to sharing his attention with a manchild. My job has been the best at helping me transition back to work, and I haven’t had any problems tending to my mom stuff, like pumping. My son is with someone I know all day so I feel confident he’s ok. I have tons of pictures and videos to look at when I’m missing him. And the highlight of my day is seeing his face when he recognizes me when I pick him up in the evenings. We read books, have fun bath times, and he’s been going to sleep without fussing when I put him down at the end of the day. I have a groove in the evenings and a semi-groove when I start over again each morning. I’m eating well, and I’m even starting to enjoy cooking like I did years ago.
Truly, I am blessed. More and more, I believe it when people tell me I’m doing a great job as a new mommy. More and more, I know and can trust that the Lord is Jehovah Jireh and will provide even when I can’t see how. And more and more, I am able to be positive for others when they need it. I can’t adequately express how grateful I am to those who “loved me back to awesome” when feeling like crud was a normal part of my routine, and I am equally grateful to be able to return the favor and even pay it forward.
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Ok enough gushing–here’s some seriousness:
–Praying for safety for all who are dealing with Hurricane Isaac
–If you aren’t registered to vote, please do so. The deadline here in GA is October 9 to be able to vote on November 6. If you are registered, make sure you have the proper ID and know where your poll is.
Amazingly, I currently weigh less than I did before my pregnancy. In an attempt to keep my slimmed down body while toning, I have started going to water aerobics, which I really really enjoy. Since I don’t know how to swim (no not because of my hair), I never fell in love with water the way I’ve seen in others, so I was really surprised at just how much I really like going to this fitness class. The time flies by, and even though I didn’t tire myself out in the pool, I can totally feel all that I’ve done once I get out.
Anywho, that’s actually not really the topic of this post. Music is! This past Saturday, during our class, which featured lots of oldies I sang along to while trying to keep up with a teacher many years older than I, this song came on. Although it was Stevie crooning on the mixtape, I was transported back to my childhood and my love of California Raisins. 🙂
I naturally have added it to the list of songs I sing to my baby at bath time, lol. Another flashback that I sing to my honey darling is this.
And then the other night I had my iTunes on random, and this one came on.
Last but not least, ever since he first started opening his eyes (for the first couple of weeks, my baby would only peek and we couldn’t really see what his eyes looked like), I always think of this song and most of the time I start singing it, lol (just a couple of bars since it’s not a “happy” song).
As you can see, this little guy has me wrapped around his little sweet fingers. 🙂 And daydreaming about him at work sometimes makes me daydream about my own childhood and special moments with my parents. So here’s a record my daddy used to play for me all the time!
Wednesday, I wrote this long post updating you readers to my progress on my goals. Well, I lost it thanks to the stupid WordPress new post page that doesn’t autosave, so I learned a lesson–never write a post there. Go through my dashboard no matter what, where I can see “Draft saved at 2:07:38 pm.” without even moving my eyes.
The nonbeliever of coincidences, though, I decided that something about that post wasn’t supposed to be seen by the masses. I don’t know what. But no worries because today, I’m starting with a fresh slate, and I’m not going to try to rewrite that long juicy post I wrote Wednesday. 🙂 That being said, here goes!
Frederick on his first day of daycare. His smiles make my heart flutter!
My little family and I made it through our first week of a “new reality.” Frederick started daycare Monday, and I started work Wednesday. And Smokie is just dealing with whatever comes his way. I must say, although I felt a slight tinge of guilt every time I dropped him off and at least once through the day, and although I’ve never been a huge fan of routine, this new reality seems like it will do wonders for all three of us. Except for last night, Frederick sleeps soundly through the night except the two times he needs to eat. And actually twice this week, he only got up once to eat. So even though I could stand an eensy weensy bit more sleep, I definitely can’t complain because I got more sleep this past week than ever before (at night). I also had a good week of pumping milk–now I just have to make sure I don’t make the common mistake of not staying in routine this weekend and messing with my supply! Also, Im getting the hang of being productive in my home. Gasp! I’m not quite at doing a load of laundry every day, but I don’t have clothes spilling out of hampers like before when I was washing clothes when I was getting low on underwear, lol. It’ll be even better when I get over my dislike of folding clothes. 🙂 I have my morning and night routines almost downpat. After I pick up Frederick in the evenings, I cook or heat up leftovers, clean the kitchen (which includes first washing all of Frederick’s bottles of the day and then whatever dishes I used when I cooked and ate), get my lunch ready for the next day, get Frederick’s bottles ready for the next day, give him a bath, take my own bath (which includes my newest face and hair routines), iron our clothes (gasp!! I’m sure my dad would hesitate to believe this one!), feed him, and lay him down. Now, the order in which I do all of that depends on my baby and his sleepiness and/or fretfulness, but so far routine has been my friend. [Note: I also read to him if he’s awake long enough, and I always sing to him in the tub and whenever elsethe mood hits me!]
Mommy’s first day back at work
It’s finally Friday! Home after a full week. We made it!
I have learned so much about myself and my capacity to cope and move forward since I had my baby (and especially since my mom left us in Atlanta to get back to her reality). My baby really is an amazing miracle from above, and he has made all the difference in my life. I can’t focus too long on what I don’t like or have when I can just look at him and know that I’m blessed to have him. And although I know being a mom isn’t easy, I also know that God will provide for my son. After a long, tough pregnancy, I’m ready for this new journey. I look forward to seeing Frederick come into his personality even more, to seeing him and helping him learn, to waking up to his smiles (and mean mugs), to kissing him before he goes to sleep at night, to exposing him to the great things this world has to offer. I don’t look forward to not being able to shield him from all of life’s hurts and pains, but I do look forward in joining my mom in more of the experiences of motherhood.
And because music is one of my emotional outlets, here are some tunes for ya.
As soon as I stop worrying Worrying how the story ends I let go and I let God Let God have His way That’s when things start happening I’ll stop looking at back then I let go and I’ll let God have His way
Coming home to Mississippi is the best thing I could have done while recovering from having my baby. I really don’t know how I would have made it the past several weeks without my mom’s love and support. And being home just reconnects me to who I am at a critical time when some days it’s hard for me to see goodness in my life and makes me appreciate and savor the days when all I see is goodness.
Since a week or two before having my baby, I have experienced what it feels like to sit down, lol. First, because I was forced to healthwise, and now because of the old school notion that a mom needs to stay inside as much as possible during the first six weeks. At first it was super easy because I was still in lots of pain, but as the pain wears off and I only have short time periods of ailments, it’s still not so hard because being able to sit down and think through things is sometimes welcomed (and other times, I think myself into negativity, so not so good!). And of course, there’s just nothing like being around people who have known and loved you for as long as you can remember and who remind you what’s important in life and how we;ve already overcome so much and will continue to. Here, I can lay some of my burdens down and get myself together before I face the real world again.
And when I do enter the real world again, I have some things I need to change. I’m no longer a single gal doing whatever she wants when she wants. There are several things I need to get done to reorganize my life now that I’m a mom. Here are some highlights.
1. Getting my finances in order. Before I dropped out of my Ph.D. program in 2005, my financial health was pretty much pristine. Then I dropped out, forfeiting the grants I was receiving, leaving me with one part time job to choose which ends to meet. Although I haven’t been doing shabby nowadays, I’m definitely not where I should be to make sure this lil guy is comfortable and well taken care of. So, I’ve logged on to Mint, which I’ve used before but kinda ignored for the last couple of years to retrack my accounts, started on a new budget, and set some goals. I also renewed my LearnVest subscriptions. Now I just need to finish my budget (which includes the new massive childcare expense–I never knew how much it cost!), make sure my different forms of insurance are sufficient and in order, start an actual tax file folder so that I won’t be scrambling next year, and finally look into modifying my mortgage since I took such a hit in value like so many others in this nation (and especially in GA).
2. Getting my eating habits back on track. There was a time that I was pretty healthy and cooked many meals from scratch (I was a size 4 then). Now that I have this guy, I not only need to eat much better than the routine I had for a while–skipping breakfast many days, eating not so healthy snacks for lunch, eating maybe one real meal a day, which would prolly be from a restaurant on the go–but I also need to make sure it fits within the budget I’m creating in #1. I definitely will have to cut out the eating out so much, just by virtue of budgeting and prolly time management, but I’m much more in tune with what I put in my body since it then goes into his. And I want to go ahead and get reacquainted with cooking regularly again since I will need to be in the habit once he’s eating solid foods. I’ve been collecting recipes (from countless books, websites, and blogs), and I’ve gotten an account on Food on the Table to help me take advantage of deals when I’m creating weekly meal plans (that I pray I stick to).
3. Making my schedule less hectic. I have to let go of some things so that I can have time to myself. Before I had Frederick, I may have gotten up 30 minutes before I needed to leave for work and I may have stayed awake until midnight or 1 am. Now I need to get up much earlier, and I hopefully will, in turn, go to bed much earlier. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to streamline things that aren’t work or taking care of Frederick, but we’ll see. I mean at the end of the day, my home life has now become #1 so anything I can’t get done will just have to wait or disappear. Right now, there’s no new resource for that besides me taking an inner oath to put everything (i.e. appointments, meetings, deadlines) on my Google docs and set a reminder!
4. Making my house a home. Now that I have a baby, I will actually be spending quality time at home. So I have to include in this new schedule of mine time to do a little bit of cleaning each day, including washing dishes and *gasp* doing at least one load of laundry daily. Getting my house to where it is (although I still have a ways to go before I’m proud of it) was overwhelming so I definitely have to keep that up as well as inch toward making it a place where I find peace of mind each day. Watching my mom since the week before I gave birth has been a lesson because it’s amazing how much she gets done each day.
5. Working on my pretty. My mom told me the week after I had Frederick that I have to work on getting my pretty back asap, and she’s right. Weight wise, I didn’t have any to lose (I gained a net of 10 pounds, and he weighed over 8.5), but I definitely need to tone up and work on my skin quality (in the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy I got stretch marks! and since I delivered, my tummy is discolored!) and I wouldn’t mind losing a couple more that was on my to do list before I even got pregnant. I also need to make myself get on a schedule with my hair (instead of waiting until I can’t stand to look at it anymore to do something to it) and go through my full regimen each day instead of going all day if I’m not going anywhere or just running errands looking busted (or my version of busted–I think I can still find a little solace in knowing my busted looks a little better than some people’s best but that’s neither here nor there–we’re talking about self-improvement here) or not fully put together. As my mom says, “There’s nothing like a pretty mama with a pretty baby.” 🙂 And with this also comes inner pretty. I’ve had some good and bad days mentally and emotionally, and I have to try my best to make an effort each day to do what I have to for good days. Learning to forgive, ignore, and focus on the positive isn’t as easy as it can sound, but I have to do what I can to make sure my full person is pretty.
So those are my new goals for the next few weeks. I may even throw in writing a few pages of the book my mom and I started years ago and set aside. But we’ll see. That’s the busy body, gotta pack my day Ranada trying to push through. Being home has taught me to enjoy time, so I need to make sure I incorporate that going forward even when I get back to the A.
19 days and counting. I’m full term (and sorry, I haven’t taken any pics of the 37 week belly yet!), which means if this little guy comes early, he should be a-ok developmentally.
This was a pretty rough week, but I’m feeling better and more positive. I get really overwhelmed and really down in the dumps at times, but as usual, prayer and long conversations with my mom and text messages from my pastor go a long way. Of course, it doesn’t help that people keep telling me they want this baby to come early–not like a few days, but weeks. Maybe women who have solid, nearby support systems like early babies, I don’t know, but him coming close to his due date is what I need but no one seems to really want to get that. And it’s not that I think I can control when he comes–I know I can’t, but I don’t like when people just disregard what I’ve said I need. Why not understand that I must need the time if I’m saying I’m ok with spending 3 more weeks with my physical ailments just so I can get as much stuff as I can done. Hopefully, my baby is feeling me and not all the people who mean well but need to understand that their excitement and rush are not well-received. Besides, I don’t know how I’d do with being a mama of a Taurus. But Gemini? Exciting times ahead, lol.
I see progress in my house, but Lordy, there’s a long way to go. Transitioning from an almost carefree, always-on-the-move, safe enough for me and Smokie lifestyle to a baby-centric, organized, secure one is definitely going to be a long-term process, but there are some things that I really need to happen before I bring Butterbean home from the hospital. And even more than that, my last day at work is not until May 29, so I really would like the ability to let my brain chill (or at least try!) just for a couple days before I go through the biggest physical challenge/emotional rollercoaster I’ve ever had. Is that too much to ask? My doctor and I talked this morning during my appointment just about what I want, and it almost threw me off because that’s almost never a topic of discussion. What I want. Not what I think is the easiest route or what will make other people feel comfortable or what I can do to bridge gaps or to make things run smoothly. Just simply what does Ranada want. And she told me that it is okay to be selfish in these last weeks and through my labor and delivery because this process of having a baby is about me and what I need to get through it. It’ll be stressful enough without me letting other people encroach on what I need right now. And what I need is support, period. I need to feel like I’m not doing this alone. I want to know that I can count on people without begging them for help. And if you can’t give any of that, just leave me alone till July (or just leave me alone, period, if that’s an option). It’s funny because I keep getting disappointed because despite my mom’s constant warnings not to have expectations, of course I have them (and I’m trying my best to stop!) and they’re not met. My ma says my problem is that I expect from people what I would do in a situation, and I can’t do that because they’re not me–they’re them. And that sucks. I want to scream at people, Hey, I’m pregnant every day. Not just Wednesday night or Sunday afternoon. I’m emotionally burdened almost everyday. The stuff I need done are ongoing projects. I don’t know why I should keep asking people to help me. So I don’t unless it is a single specific task because I understand that I’m just not a priority, and that’s just is what it is because people have their own lives and things to deal with. But because I can’t make myself keep asking people over and over if they’re going to help me, especially in this final stretch, I end up frustrated and overwhelmed as usual because I feel alone, and my parents aren’t here yet. And it makes me resent my “persona” that I’m a strong person who never lets anything get me down and who seems to be able to handle and do anything. Ok, compliment, I guess, but I’m human. But whatever I guess. It is what it is.
Earlier this week, my cousin Kesha reached out as she’s been great about doing over the last 8 months because she’s starting to get worried about me being at home alone. So last night, she and her brother and friend came over to help with my cable connections, but of course because I know nothing about TVs, one wasn’t able to be hooked up because I have to go back to the store and get equipment that I didn’t know I needed when I went to the store by myself. I think that’s funny though. The look on all their faces when I said I’ve never had TVs upstairs was hilarious. They were all like well what do you do?????? I really am not all that keen on having this one in my room (and I’m fighting not feeling like it’s a sign that it’s still not hooked up) because I just really want it for the weeks after I have him that I’m pretty sure I won’t feel like going up and down my staircase.
Anywho, (that was a tangent, huh?) I am really looking forward to my daddy coming because he’s an organization specialist, and that’s my biggest house (and car) need. Having stuff where it has a place so I won’t be tripping over stuff or throwing stuff in random spots because I didn’t have room where it needed to go. And frankly, making my house look like a home and not a storage bin, which is kinda what it’s been since I bought it since I haven’t spend major quality time there until now. My house has unfortunately been like a hotel to me. Before I had a baby in my belly, I went there to check on Smokie, feed and play with him, and to sleep at night. Besides that, I didn’t spend any real time there so I never really made it a home. And so I’ve had to take 4 almost 5 years of accumulated random stuff and put it somewhere, whether in the trash or in a box or in a designated space. And with my energy levels and physical restraints, it just hasn’t been an easy task. But I truly can see progress, so that’s a blessing! And like I said, my dad is coming so hopefully, when he leaves, I’ll really be able to breathe and feel like I’m not bringing my baby into a hazard zone.
I’m also excited that he’s coming just because he’s my daddy and always makes me feel important to him. I don’t have to wonder if he’s going to say screw it and leave if he doesn’t agree with me about something or if I ask for one more thing. And I don’t have to wonder what’s too much to ask because he’s my dad, and he’s always treated me like I matter. And I like his cooking, so I’m hoping I can get a couple meals out of him on top of the organizing, lol. Last week, I was craving some oatmeal, toast, and bacon–Rickey style. I don’t know why his tastes so much different than mine, but it does!
I’m also excited about him coming (and don’t tell him this part) because it makes the time between now and my mom getting here seem a little shorter. He’s filling some of that space. And if I go into labor while he’s here, I will be happy I have one of my parents to be with me in the hospital. <Flashback to him in the hospital with me in 1999. Car accident. Sigh.> Back to my ma, though–she’s really been my main artery to not crashing and burning since October, and I really just feel like I need her here with me. Which makes me feel a little demanding sometimes because I know she’s dealing with so much, but I really need her. She has been who I can call and just say I feel like I’m drowning and she’ll remind me of whatever I need to get me floating again. She has been the one to make me know that although I’m in Atlanta and feel isolated that in the grand scheme, I’m not because she’s thinking and caring about me and how I’m doing. So I can’t imagine going through this without here hopefully holding my hands and not screaming at me for holding my breath instead of breathing, lol.
I can’t believe I have 19 days or less before I am holding my little stinker in my arms. I can’t wait to stare at him and to kiss him and to say hey little dude that’s been playing soccer with my organs, nice to finally see your whole face and not the part you didn’t hide in the ultrasound! I wonder how big he’s going to be. One of my friends had her baby a couple days ago, and her little boy was a whopping 10 lbs 4 oz. WHOA NELLY! And I wonder if he’s going to be testy since I’ve been not so calm and collected while carrying him. (Babysitting nightmare much??? Ooops.) But maybe since he’s been the true anchor keeping me up in a sea of angst and discontent, he’ll come out the yin to my yang, lol. Not yelling all the time since hopefully, he has already witnessed how much mommy likes her quiet time, lol. Ok, I know, wishful thinking. But you never know!
Now, I’m rambling. I’m just happy it’s Friday, and I’m happy that I have been marking things off my to do list and that I can see a dot of light as I’m looking for the end of the tunnel. It’s going to be a long journey once he gets here, but first I need to conquer this one. I can say that at this moment, I’m proud of how strong I can be even though I don’t want to have to be so strong, and I’m proud of myself for coming this far. And I’ll be a proud somebody when I see this little boy in the flesh. Happy Friday!
I have to say that as I head to the finish line of a fairly tumultuous pregnancy, I am so looking forward to meeting this big boy growing inside of me (and currently stretching and changing positions). I’m also looking forward to my time away from most of my other responsibilities while I just spend time with him, learning to take care of a newborn for the first time. I really can’t wait to his little face!
My house is coming along, very slowly but I think (and hope) surely. Between my cousin and my showers, I think (I’m still inventorying!) I have all the big stuff covered besides the storage things I need to order asap. His nursery has everything it needs besides paint. But back to the showers–I had nothing to do with either one, which was a brand new thing for me, and I appreciate my friends so much for such nice events. Not only were they really nice, but I also got a taste of letting go of control and letting people do nice things for me. Although I’m still not completely on board with being a “surprise” person, I can dig the surprise days of loving on Ranada. 🙂 Here are a couple of pics of me (with straight hair for the first time in two years!!) at my showers, my gracious hostesses, my core group of friends in Atlanta, and my mom and younger brother and Butterbean’s dad.
Atlanta
33 Weeks!My Fab Hostesses minus one!The Crew minus two
Jackson
34 Weeks!My Hostesses and Beautiful Line SistersLove my family
The biggest thing I’ve had to learn over this time is that having faith is one thing when your life is moving along without many hiccups and quite another when you’re actually going through the low moments of your life. Having faith has been pretty hard, but I’m learning that although it’s so much easier to believe God knows what He’s doing when the skies are blue and the grass that really pretty shade of green, it’s most important to hold on to that belief when the sky is black in the middle of the day and it’s thundering and lightning and storming and there’s nothing but ugly concrete as far as the eye can see. And I think it’s pretty cool that the worst of my experience was during the “winter” (the little we had) where it was all ugly and rainy outside, and now that I’m so much more optimistic and positive, I see bright skies out my window and walk out into great weather. There are a couple of songs by Greg O’Quin ‘N Joyful Noize that have helped me during this trial as well as others.
I couldn’t find the other one on YouTube so here are some of the lyrics. It’s called “The Conversation”.
If I never had a rainy day, I’d never know You could brighten my day
If I never felt some loneliness, I’d never know of Your friendliness
If I never fell to the ground, I’d never know You could help me rebound
I’d never ever ever ever know You this way
If I never had a broken heart, I would never know You could mend the parts
If I never reached out for Your hand, I would never know You could help me stand
If I never had to shed a tear, I’d never know You are always near
I never knew You could save me, knew You could heal me, mend a broken heart… I never knew You could touch me, knew You could love me, I never knew until the day You showed me. To know You is to love You…
Real Middle School Mom of Atlanta 