Category: Inner Struggles
Unexpected Blessings
Yesterday, I had an appointment for an herbal body wrap at Hadiya Wellness. I’ve never been there, and although I was excited about trying the wrap for the first time, I woke up not feeling my best. I didn’t feel well physically or emotionally. But I’m a fighter, so I pushed on and made my way to East Atlanta with a large sprite in hand to try to settle my stomach.
You know how sometimes all it takes is for a friend to say “Are you ok?” for you to completely lose your cool? Well, I hadn’t talked to a friend that morning, so I felt like I had myself pretty together. I could fake the funk in the few minutes of chatting you do with a service provider before they get to doing whatever it is they’re about to do, right? Wrong. I signed in and stepped into my designated room. A lady, who turned out to be Asha, the director of Hadiya, greeted me then said “Are you ok?” and I said “Oh I’m ok besides that I don’t feel all that well.” So she asked what was going on and I told her, and she said well, we can do the appointment if you want, but you don’t have to–we can reschedule to when you feel better. Then she led me over to the seating area in the room and sat with me and said “what else is going on? you can talk to me. you seem like you’re overwhelmed and just need to let it out. go ahead.” And I immediately started crying. It’s amazing how God will put you exactly where you need to be. I didn’t know this woman from Eve, and she sat with me for however long when she didn’t have to, allowing me to express myself and find some relief. When I couldn’t talk because of my tears, she basically told me how I felt and all I had to do was nod. It was kinda crazy, but it felt good to hear that someone understood how I felt. She gave me some words of affirmation and assured me that I’d be ok. Then she pulled out the lavender oil, brought in a foot massager, dimmed the lights, and let me sit in the room alone and just meditate and think about how good God has been and will continue to be.
That just reinforced for me that God uses whoever allows Him to bless people. Asha could have said either you get this service or you pay me a cancellation fee. Or she could have just done the service not knowing if it’d make me sicker. She could have ignored whatever little voice was telling her that I wasn’t just sick physically and let me walk out the door still feeling like crap. I really appreciate her, and I hope that I don’t ignore the subtle nudges we sometimes get to do more than nod and smile at some stranger as they walk by or to ask deeper questions of people we’re talking to because they need a sounding board. I’m not one that regularly accepts help from others, but I’m glad that there’s a higher power that knows me better than I know myself. And I look forward to patronizing Hadiya in the future, when I’m in better health. 🙂
Be blessed, lovelies!
Lessons Learned by Farmer Jo, Part 2
Back to those doggone squash and cucumbers. Much of what I learned about trying to grow them applies to my life in general. It all started when I went to Chicago in June to celebrate the 30th birthdays of three compadres. I purchased an automatic sprinkler so that my plants wouldn’t be thirsty for a full weekend. Well… I called myself testing it the night before and setting the timer for every 6 hours. Didn’t work out like I thought it would.
My cucumbers were overwatered, while my squash was underwatered. Isn’t that what happens sometimes in our relationships? You put in way more effort than is necessary for some people and neglect others. Yeah… So after that it was making up time. I had to figure out what could be salvaged. Which isn’t always that easy. Last night, I realized that I really need to sit down and do what I do on a somewhat regular basis–a friendship evaluation. But later on that–let me finish talking about my poor plants. 🙂
So my squash was growing, but they were almost orange, instead the great yellow my first crop was. In addition, the actual vines/roots were turning a dark green and looking pretty ashy and almost dead (and some were dead) and starting to look mangled. I probably  should have abandoned ship then, but Determined Dejoi couldn’t just admit defeat. I started back to my original regime after cutting off all the dead parts. It was looking pretty sparse after I cut all the dead weight off. After that only one more squash grew.
Lesson: When there’s more death than life or more negativity than positivity, it’s time to let go. Some things aren’t worth saving.
On the other hand, my cucumbers were growing, but they were discolored in a different way and disfigured. (Have you noticed here that colors tell the story if you only pay attention?) These babies were yellowish (not green) and round, instead of long. So I added soil to the pot to try to soak up some of that excess water, and I moved the pot so that the plants would get more sun. But more than that, when I looked at the vines, there were some serious issues. There were black vines all over the place. So I cut all of those off, but the cucumbers never grew normally, and I was scared to eat the warped cucumbers (although they smelled like cucumbers and Smokie enjoyed the one that fell off the vine, lol).
Lesson: You can flood anything or anyone or any situation, which warps the fruit of whatever seed you planted. If you’re putting more into something or someone than you’re getting back, Â you need to evaluate the situation.Â
My first summer of gardening was great. I had some wins and some losses, but I learned from it all. My carrots and broccoli are still looking great so far. I’m even considering growing onions later in the winter. Here are some questions that I’m asking myself during my friendship evaluation:
- Whose lives are you enhancing and who is enhancing yours?
- In whom are you investing and who is investing in you?
- Who do you prioritize and who prioritizes you?
- Whose opinions do you value? Whose do you dismiss?
- Who actively listens to you? Who do you think you waste your breath on?
- Who keeps indirect tabs on you but doesn’t directly deal with you? Do they use that information to help or hurt you?
- Who do you feel comfortable confiding in?
In all of this, it’s important to honor your instincts. Some friendships are for a season, some for a reason, and some for a lifetime. No, I don’t talk to all my friends every day–I have people I truly consider friends who I have confidence in even though they’re not on my normal rotation. So you have to consider all that. And you need to ask yourself if you spend more time and energy on the people who don’t add to you than who do. If so, you have some adjusting to do. I know I do.
Almost 30! Many lessons down, many more to go!
10 Ways to Love
Today, I need this. I needed it yesterday, and I know I’ll need it tomorrow. I posted it on my Tumblr, but I need to devote more than just one thought on it today.
As we get older, relationships get more complicated (family, friend, romantic, etc.) and you really have to decide who you want to dedicate time and energy to–who reciprocates and who adds positive energy to your life, recharging you for this life that’s full of ups and downs. But once you do, it still ain’t an easy journey because we’re all human. And no matter what, you need to be able to discern how to be loving in all steps of your walk. It’s the greatest commandment, remember? From the stranger you pass on the street that may need a smile to the long lost friend you haven’t spoken to in a year that may need a listening ear out of the blue. From the family member that gets on that one nerve to the boyfriend/partner/boothang (whatever you wanna call him or her) that doesn’t always speak or hear your primary love language. Love is still the goal.
So here’s the post, with the verses that go along. Happy Tuesday.
1. Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)
To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. The human spirit can endure in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out. – Proverbs 18:13-15
2. Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
3. Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26)
All day long he craves for more, but the righteous give without sparing.
4. Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9)
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives.
5. Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1)
Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.
6. Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15)
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
7. Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14)
Do everything without grumbling or arguing.
8. Trust without wavering. (1 Corinthians 13:7)
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
9. Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13)
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
10. Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12)
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Middle Me
I have a confession: I haven’t been to the gym at all in 2011. I know. I know! What the heck right? Not only have I been wasting money, but I haven’t been focused on my health as I should. And what am I doing? I know I gotta get fine for two summertimes–ours and S. America’s in November
! (Well, methinks I’m already fine–but I definitely need to maintain my sexy.) So before I get into what I need to do, I’ll share what I have been doing.
I have taken the Dress Challenge seriously–last week I wore a dress every single day (partially to make up for the week when I didn’t wear one at all because it was so cold and rainy). I’m on #3 for this week today, and I’ll likely wear a casual dress tomorrow to the Natural Hair Show (which I’m so excited to attend). So on the very outside, I’ve stepped it up a notch. I’ve taken time to apply makeup most mornings, wear accessories, and just do a little more than look decent.
On the very very inside, I’ve been working on managing my energy–redirecting anger instead of lashing out, praying, making positive reminders about who I am and whose I am. I’ve added to my life a little aromatherapy, scheduling relax time for myself and sticking to it for the most part, stuff like that. And I’ve started an active search for a new church home, so that’s exciting as well.
So just in time for May Day (shout out to the lady who thanks God for slavery because she was saved from being in Africa worshiping a tree, triple side eye and a back hand slap), which really just signifies that the earth is fertile again because of the increasing presence of the sun (I wish I could join in with the folks planting gardens but I don’t have a green thumb. 
I’m still thinking of attempting to start a container garden on my deck, but we’ll see what happens. Eek.), I need to work on Middle Me. My physical health. Not the very outside or the very inside. Here are some things I plan to implement.
1. GO TO THE GYM and get my money’s worth, lol. I also am going to do this cross fit training thing. I think I’m going to do that to start me off, really get me going and back in the habit (ain’t it amazing how our habits really define us at the end of the day??). I have at the very least spent longer walking Smokie than I used to, so that counts, right? 🙂
2. Start back doing hot yoga. It ties the inner me to the middle me. While getting centered, I also work on flexibility and balance. Some things that both inner and middle me need to get down pat.
3. Drink more water! I definitely don’t drink enough water, and there’s no excuse. It helps with skin, hair, and overall health. So… I’ll be right back. Lemme go get a glass.
4. Ok, I’m back. (I really did go get a glass of water. 🙂 ) A health guy at this smoothie place my friends and I visited a couple of weeks ago told us that we really should get in the habit of eating breakfast like queens, eating lunch like princesses, and eating dinner like bag ladies. (Ok, he didn’t say it exactly like that, but that’s the NadaJo interpretation.) I’ve done that ONE day since he told us that. LOL But I do need to start. He also said we need to eat breakfast within 30 minutes of waking up… It’s been almost 2 hours since I woke up, and I still haven’t gotten breakfast. Don’t worry, I’ll go downstairs and grab a bite when I wrap up this post.
5. I’ve been cooking (and grilling) a little more, but I want to amp that up too. I actually want to get back to my 2007 days when I made everything from scratch so that I could be extra vigilant about what was going into my body. You have no idea how much more vibrant I was, and I lost like 2 dress sizes in the process!! I’ve done it before, so I know I can do it again (but I need to ease into it, lol).
Since I haven’t shared any music in awhile, here’s the Beyonce “Move Your Body” video for First Lady Obama’s Let’s Move campaign!
Well, happy Friday, folks. Make it an extra great day!
In a Sentimental Monday Mood
Time for Memory Lane Monday. Ever since my Pretty Girls Rock post, my mom has been finding pics for me, and it’s sent me through lots of reflection and sentiment. My mom surprised me this weekend by sending me a Polaroid of my grandma and Vernita together, a pic I had never seen before, and it is something super special to me. So bear with me as I reminisce. I promise I’m not always so somber. 🙂
When I think of funerals, I always think of the older people in the movies who have to go to everyone and get a program as a souvenir, lol. I don’t think I’ll ever be one of those people. I really don’t like funerals, and it’s probably because I’ve been to quite a few. I go because I totally get and subscribe to the school of thought that you have to celebrate a life and send your loved one off. Â And I go because the family gets together in numbers greater than usual, and we spent the whole repast laughing and telling stories. And I’ve gone to a couple where I didn’t really know the deceased but I did know a living relative who really needed the support. If you didn’t know, I am really really sensitive so I get really upset when I see other people really really upset. An empath of sorts? I don’t know, but I’ll never forget my grandma Neva’s funeral, simply because it was the first time I had ever seen my mom cry and I really felt that pain on top of my own.
But this post is not about that. It’s about the celebration of life. I spoke a lil about my grandma before, so this time I want to talk a little more about my aunt Vernita, whom I mentioned in the Broke-ology post. In my brain, Vernita was the epitome of lively and adventurous. Every time I saw her she was full of sass and style. She seemed fearless on her quest to take life by its horns. I’m sharing a couple of pictures of her, my mom’s baby sister.
Remember to take advantage of life while you have it and keep in mind that you’re creating memories for those who will be here after you’re gone. Make them positive ones. I think of Vernita often. Sometimes I think I channel her busybody spirit. Imagine my mom’s reaction when I got my nose pierced like Vernita’s had been. Haha! She commenced to fussing and I probably laughed it off the same way her little sister would. “Oh it’s fine. No it’s not a hindrance. It’s just a little sparkle!” Now if I can just find my cousin David, her son, I’d feel great. We were very close as kids, but we haven’t talked in years and I don’t really know how to find him (and his name is really common so Facebook has been a bust). If anyone out there does pro bono P.I. work, holla atcha girl. 🙂
Anyway, give someone special a hug today. And fill your spaces with pleasant memories. I think my next art piece will have something to do with the beauty of the women in my family. You know, do something with all these pics my mom is finding for me. 🙂
And because it’s also Music Monday, here’s a flashback that will make you fuzzy inside. Happy Monday! Have a productive week!
A Hectic New Year
Hi folks! Long time, no see, huh? Â 2011 has started off with a vengeance–nonstop responsibilities, so I had to choose what to neglect. I’m slowly but surely rejoining the life of the cyber living. Â I have a great Firsts post planned–I just have to sit down and do it before it’s no longer the first month of the year!
But just to give you a glimpse of all that I’ve been dealing with:
– I got a promotion at work in the midst of working on three slightly concurrent projects. Talk about a workload!
– My grandfather had a stroke, so I have been trying to be as much help as I can be to my mom, including going home for a few days.
– Jackson and Chicago Reads and Reels are launching!!! So I’ve been working with my chapter presidents on that.
– My computer crashed right before the ice storm, so I was stranded without internet outside of my phone for a lil while.
– The effects of the ice storm in Atlanta lasted WAY longer than it should have. We were trapped!!
– I’m fasting as I always do in January, but this time it’s so much more difficult. Â I don’t know if it’s because I skipped the MasterCleanse portion of my norm or what. Â Maybe it’s bc I’m stressed and I want to drown my worries in food. *shrug*
– I’m finally DONE with one of the positions that has monopolized my time and mailbox for the last 4 years, but the transition ain’t as easy as I thought it would be. Â I just know how to do what I was doing–never really thought long about how to explain it to someone else!
– The other positions still exist, so I have been doing some only-in-my-mind planning about some things I want to do in my capacity. Â Stay tuned. I’ll be solidifying the ideas when I can.
– I am finally making a conscious effort to make my house a home, but I know myself–to keep from getting overwhelmed, I’m doing room by room. One room will be done this weekend, if the Lord says the same.
All that to say, I’ve been busy.  Physically and mentally.  But it’s all good in the hood, folks. Stay with me. I’ll be rolling off inspiration, opinions, recommendations, good music, random ramblings, etc., in just three shakes of a tailfeather. 🙂
I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year’s Day, Martin Luther King Day, and anything else for which I didn’t get to send well wishes. Â Until next time (which will be soon)!
Feature Friday… well kinda
Today, I’m still in a sanging mood, and during an impromptu yet really solid conversation about knowing who we are and what we deserve, Sirobe reminded me of a very special song that I’m going to feature.  So I’m dedicating this one to my favorite guy (I really am singing over here, lol), especially since the artist (well, a member of the group) is living his second chance.
You knew you had me With your sensuous charm Yet you looked so alarmed As I walked on by An awesome wonder You had to know why I did not respond to carry on Chorus: Love me in a special way What more can I say? Love me now (Repeat) Love me now Cuz I'm special Not the average kind Who'll accept any line That sounds good So reach into your chain of thought Try to find something new What worked so well for you before For me just won't do Chorus Love me now... (Instrumental) So reach into your chain of thought Try to find something new What worked so well for you before For me just won't do Love me in a special way What more can I say? Love me now Love me in a me in a special way Just love me now Nooowwww And tell me what more can I say Just love me nooowwww And tell me what more can I say? Just love me now Love me in a--and tell me what more can I say?
Racism in America, not just MS
The inspiration for this post started with this article. Â A few days ago, a friend of mine from Greenwood texted me to tell me there had been a lynching in her hometown. Â A couple of days later, the article came out suggesting it was a suicide.
In the words of Ed Lover, C’MON SON, get the eff outta here with that bs. Â Do you seriously want me to believe that?
The other issue I have with this article is that there are NO comments. Â Now, I am a dedicated comment reader because comments can really paint the picture of who is living in this country and how they see the world. Â I’ve winced a many day at comments that I’ve read on an array of topics, so I was prepared to read some on this one, but… Crickets. Â What’s up with that?
Let’s call a spade a spade. Â This is yet another example of hatred and racism in this country. Â In 2010, the fact that someone could be lynched is a travesty. Â And the fact that it hasn’t hit all the major news outlets yet is another. Â But, I must admit, a small part of me is glad it hasn’t. Â Wanna know why?
I get tired of the perpetuation of the negative stereotype of my home state. Â I started this group on Facebook and am very happy to see that there are over 13,000 members in it. Â Why? Â Because so many people, outside of the state and even in the state, think that MS is the hub of all evil in the country and that nothing good comes from it. Â Ok, that’s a slight exaggeration, but still. Â I’ve heard people from all across the Bible Belt give MS grief as if their states don’t come with their own transgressions. Â If you don’t know much about Mississippi and all of its contributions, you should browse this site for a few minutes.
Now, let’s be clear. Â I do not for one second believe that Mississippi doesn’t have its problems or that it’s a perfect place. Â And I don’t need another lesson on Mississippi history. Â I got it along with southern history, American history, and Black history. Â I just want to intimate that racism and the brutal killings of our black men is a NATIONAL problem. Â Oscar Grant being shot in the back while unarmed is just as horrible as this poor man who was walking through the wrong neighborhood and somehow (since it could be self-inflicted <heavy sarcasm>) ended up hanging from a rope in a tree. Â However, no one says that California is a hotbed for racism. Â Sean Bell being gunned down by the police before his wedding? Â Yep, not cool. Â But no one blames it on the fact that he was in New York.
How about the man who was shot in the head and dragged by a car in South Carolina? Â Are you getting my drift?
Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way. Â I want to know who out there cares. Â What’s going to happen? Â What is the answer? Â How can we stop all this violence and hatred? Â Will people be marching to the Mississippi Delta? Â Or will this slide under the radar like many other issues? Â We as Americans really need to address this and while we’re at it address the disproportionate number of black men in prison and what’s wrong with our system. Â We can’t just sit around and wonder when the next brutal “accidental” murder will occur. Â It’s time out for thinking that if we cover our eyes, not only will we not see it, but it’ll stop happening. Â We need to wake up and see that it doesn’t just affect the families of the victims–it affects us all. Â So let’s get to work.
The Greats and Grands in Our Lives
Instead of a feature today, I just want to get some things off my chest. I have a half-written post about Nacirema Society, but y’all know how I am–I have to have some inner inspired motivation to write in this here blog. Even despite my little ploy to get myself to write twice a week no matter what.
What’s on my mind today? Family. Love. Responsibility.
I dream of a day when I’ll be able to just help my loved ones when they need it. Remember when my granddaddy died and I said that I needed to step up? Well, stepping up ain’t so easy. I mean, really, who thought it’d be hard? Well, I guess I should have known. For goodness sake, I live 400 miles away. I see my mom struggling to help everyone, and I feel bad because I can’t be there to help her help everyone. Â My other granddaddy has Alzheimer’s and it’s more than a notion caring for him and making sure he’s safe and as healthy as he can be. Â Sometimes he thinks it’s the 80s, sometimes he can be a little sneaky, sometimes he can be a little aggressive, but all the time he needs someone to make sure his best interest is being considered. Â My mom feeds him everyday and really doesn’t get much thanks. Â And of course, when I got home last week I kinda felt some kinda way about it and didn’t want to visit. Â But of course, my mom is who she is and made sure I walked next door, and I softened as soon as my granddaddy said “Besides your hair, you sure are looking pretty!” Â (I think it’s funny–he’ll always be himself no matter what.) Â I had to be thankful that he can still recognize me and is still happy when I come home to visit. Â I just wish I could help distribute some of that caretaker’s burden.
I also went to see my great aunts who I usually do not make time to see, and I have no excuse for it. Â My Aunt Geneva is doing GREAT for her age and my Aunt Sweet had to blink her eyes and give me her suspicious stare before giving me her award-winning smile, and I immediately felt bad that I hadn’t been inside either of their houses in way too long although I have to drive past them any time I go to or leave my mom’s house. Â Houses I used to walk to just to be around them when I was a kid. Â I used to love sitting in my Aunt Sweet’s kitchen and watching her bake. Â I credit her for my little baking talents now. Â Why does the absent thing happen? Â I know I’m not the only one who has gone too long without checking on my elderly loved ones. Â I think there are several reasons. It’s hard to watch your loved ones get older and less spunky, less mobile, weaker. Â It also gets easier to keep focusing on the distractions–I’m sure the first time I didn’t make time to stop by, I felt awful, but as the visits passed and I still didn’t make time, the bad feelings went away. Â It also gets overwhelming to hear about family drama that you can’t do anything about.
But here are some reasons we should make time for the foundations of our families.
- They are so wise and full of information, knowledge, and inspiration. I feel rejuvenated after I spend time with my grandma. Â She loves to tell stories, and she gives advice that sometimes is masked in anecdotes. Â I guess, almost like Jesus and his parables, except as she’s giving me advice, she’s sharing our family history. Â I love to hear about her life experiences, how they are similar to or different than mine, and how she became who she is. Â You can’t beat an oral memoir. Â Besides that, I enjoy looking at her features and thinking about who looks like her, kinda like her, and imagining what I will look like as I get older.
- We should appreciate people while they’re around to feel appreciated. My grandma and I share a special crocheting relationship. Â I appreciate her for teaching me how, and she appreciates me for wanting to learn from her and carry on her talent. Â And now that my granddaddy is gone, she needs to know that she’s not alone. Â Of course, her kids and grandkids can’t replace her baby, whom she was with for 60 years, but we can still try to fill that gap with love. Â I’m so grateful that my cousins spend time with her and do for her.
- We kinda owe it to them. They may be a little feeble compared to the old days, but think about all they did before they went through a transformation of getting older. Â It has to be tough getting older, realizing that your hands don’t work the way they used to, seeing the wrinkles invade your space, having to take medicine more than ever before. Â But before that, they were ripping and running. Â Doing for us. Â Showing us the way. Â Working to provide a good life. Â They took care of us, so now we need to take care of them. Â Besides, we’ll miss them when they’re gone. Â I should know this especially. Â After all the family funerals I’ve been to, you would think I wouldn’t have to learn this lesson so often.
- The elderly are not aliens from outer space. Some people get really uncomfortable around older people, and sometimes I wonder how uncomfortable that makes the older person. Â They’re still people, just a little older. Â They still need companionship and human care and concern like er’body else.
I could talk more about abuses that I’ve read in the paper and online. Â But y’all know how dirty people can be and how some people target the elderly. Â All I will say is, please don’t be one of those awful people who take advantage of people. Â If you haven’t visited an older member of your family in awhile, I encourage you to do so soon. Â Maybe at Christmas or something. Â And if you don’t have a “Great” or a “Grand” in your life, consider going by a nursing home or assisted living facility and meet one. Â They’re treasures, and we should treat them as such.
Real Middle School Mom of Atlanta 