Be true to you.

Be true to you.

I got an extremely random set of text messages today, and it got me thinking. I want to share with you my conclusion from the exchange.

Lesson of the Day:  Be true to yourself. Consider advice from others, but make your own decisions. Follow your own heart and conscience.  At the end of the day, no one will live with ur regrets but you. So why be bound by other people’s opinions?

I was blessed to have parents who believed in letting me be me.  When I was faced with the decision of whether or not to skip my senior year of high school and start college at 16, my mom said, “This one is on you.  I’m not going to make this decision for you and have you resenting me one day if you don’t do what you really want.”  I will always remember those words.

I truly believe everything happens as they are supposed to–but how we feel about all of everything depends on several factors.  Attitude and perspective (during and after the fact) are part of it, but our regrets play a major role as well.

Listen up.  You only have one life.  Live it the way you’re led to live it.  Don’t depend on anyone else to bestow upon you the dreams they have.  Accept the ones God puts inside of you, and pursue those.  Don’t wait for anyone’s permission.  DO YOU.

Much Ado with a Jumbled Mind

Much Ado with a Jumbled Mind

Ever so often, I’m bogged down with a bunch o’ thoughts swirling around nonstop in my head.  Last night despite aromatherapy, I just could not go to sleep.  What to do??  After lying awake for an hour or more with no promise of drowsiness, I got up, grabbed my journal, which has been heavily neglected lately, and wrote. And wrote. And wrote. And got all those haphazard thoughts out.  Then I meditated.  And I followed my heart.

Then I put my head on my pillow and got some rest.

Speech: Live on Purpose

Speech: Live on Purpose

Today, I gave a speech at my Toastmasters meeting.  I had been putting this speech assignment off for the last month because I just wasn’t amped about any topics.  Last night, right before bed, though, I was given inspiration.  And lemme tell ya, when I’m inspired, I can’t be stopped.  I went to sleep with an issue on my heart, and I woke up with this speech in my brain.  I didn’t read it the entire delivery (working on my speaking skills so I can’t be at the lectern reading the whole time!), so I’m sure I didn’t say exactly what’s written below, but you get the gist.  Enjoy!

I had another speech planned, but last night, my godsister Schana had to be taken to the hospital because of complications with her diabetes.  I was told that she has to have a toe amputated.  This, of course, led me to think about a college classmate and friend of mine named Nakemia, who passed away last year due to complications with her diabetes. I also thought about my 17-year-old mentee Bria who has diabetes and had to learn to give herself insulin shots when she was in elementary school.  At first, as I thought of people I love who have been taken and affected by diseases, such as breast cancer, kidney cancer, and heart disease, I thought that I would write a new speech about diseases that affect our communities, but then it dawned on me—there’s another lesson here.  One that is much less dismal.  WE have to live our lives to the fullest because life and health aren’t promised.  We must live with intention—so today, I want to encourage each of you to live on purpose, starting with these three tips: love yourself, strive to accept your calling, and don’t put off until tomorrow what you could do today.

The first tip seems very simple, but putting it to action isn’t always so easy.  Love yourself.  What does that really mean?  Well, you should make yourself a priority and take care of yourself.  So many times, as human beings who love others, we put others before ourselves and forget to do what we need to do: eat properly, exercise regularly, get adequate rest, meditate, have fun.  When you first get on a flight, what does the flight attendant say?  If there is a loss of cabin pressure, a person should put on his or her OWN oxygen mask FIRST, and then put on the mask of someone needing assistance.  This is because loss of oxygen is disorienting, and in order to help someone else, you need to be keen and alert with all your senses.  This can be applied to life in general.  When you’re at your best, you can do a much better job of helping other people than you can when you’re mediocre, or just making it.  One thing I’ve started doing for myself is going to Bikram yoga, also called hot yoga, which is a form of yoga performed in a 103-105 degree room.  Sounds like death, right?  Well, it’s actually very refreshing.  The heat allows me to zone out and clear my head and center myself while focusing on my poses, challenging my balance and increasing my flexibility.  It’s great for meditation.  I feel like a thousand bucks after each and every session.  Whatever your method, make yourself a priority today!

Once you’re actively loving yourself, you can be much more effective in other people’s lives.  I strongly believe that everyone has a calling, and living on purpose requires my second tip: strive to accept your calling.  Who knows the Bible story of Jonah and the whale?  Well, briefly, God told Jonah, who was from Galilee, to go to Nineveh, which was enemy territory. He was to go and preach to the Ninevites and get them to repent.  Well, Jonah was not hearing that, and he ran away, which many of us do by ignoring that urge we all get to do something.  He ended up being thrown overboard a ship and swallowed by a whale, all to end up doing what he was supposed to do in the first place.  By living up to our purpose for being here, we live intentionally.  As you all know, I do a lot of community service, and one of the things I love most is tutoring and spreading the joys of math. nerd smug But it’s not just about tutoring, it’s about being there for my students when they need me and being a positive role model for kids.  One of my current students, a 9th grader who lost her mom some time ago, told me last week that she wanted to drop out of school because of family issues.  That really disturbed me and even after I had a long talk with her, reminding her of all her goals, the importance of education, and all the activities at school she loves, I still thought about her all weekend and came up with a strategy to use if my talk didn’t help.  When I saw her last night, she was back in good spirits.  She had changed her mind, and she reached out to me, asking me to spend more time with her this summer even after our tutoring sessions were over.  I decided then to make it my mission to make sure she gets through the next 3 years of high school.  I don’t do these things for pats on the back—I do them because I was called to.  It’s a part of living on purpose.

Finally, don’t put off until tomorrow what you could do today.  We all do it.  Oh, I’ll call my brother tomorrow.  I’ll fix up that old cabinet next weekend.   I’ll reorganize my office soon.  I’ll go get a massage when I have time.  I’ll donate to a charity once I get a raise.  Don’t keep putting off your goals and wants and needs.  Do them now.  Be intentional with your life!  Write down your list of tasks and give yourself a deadline to get them done.  Log on to Google calendar and put them where you can see them and set reminders.  But also, when you feel an urge to do something small but thoughtful—call a loved one, or write a letter or send a card to someone, or ask a friend to go to dinner, just do it.  Don’t wait until next week.  Life is not promised.  And you never know—that urge may have been God-sent.  That person may have needed that at that moment.  I was near a friend’s house yesterday and although it was 9 o’clock, I called her and asked her if she had eaten.  Although she wasn’t at home, she was still touched that I had thought about her.  It’s the little things sometimes.

So today, in the midst of all the chaos in the world, I want each of us to live on purpose.  We need to love ourselves, strive to accept our callings, and do today what we can do today.  Thanks.

Brain Dump

Brain Dump

Whoa nah!  I have tons of stuff on my mind, and I don’t even really know where to start or what I want to get off of it.

So this post may end up being total stream of consciousness.  And I’m random like that, so that’s a-ok with me.

I’ve said on multiple occasions that I tend to have a grudge-holding problem, but I’ve been actively trying to combat that because as we know acknowledgement is the first step, but there are still other steps.  So after prayer and meditation, I made some steps toward reconciling with an old friend.  The convo started off kinda tough because expressing pinned up emotion and listening to other people tell you want they think is wrong with you usually are, but I was able to put the right amount of compassion into my responses to her, and I think we’re on our way to being friends again one day.  BUT the good news is that I have let go of my lingering frustrations and bad vibes over that situation.  I was able to release it, and all it took was allowing myself to express my feelings in a constructive way–despite what she said to me.  No yelling, no blowing up.  Stay cooool. 🙂 *Progress!*

Speaking of old friends, one of my childhood friends emailed me yesterday morning and let me know that her nephew is having brain surgery.  You know, the stuff you kinda just think happens on TV.  So she, her nephew, and their family have been at the top of my prayer list.  She sent me an update this morning and he made it through the surgery fine, and now we’re waiting to hear what the new test results are.  I really hope he makes it through, ready to enjoy a full, happy, inspired life.

Inspiration… What inspires you?  What inspires me?  Feeling like I’m making a difference inspires me.  I had a hectic week at work last week, but it was all to the good because I really feel like my job is setting me up to make some real impacts.   Even seeing a reference in a newspaper article to a research document I created set my spirits on fire.  I’m not just working everyday to earn a paycheck (although that is oh so necessary lol)–my work is being prodded and probed and considered and acted on.  It’s because of my long hours that somebody somewhere made a decision that will have far-stretching impacts in a city, a county, or even a region or state.  That matters to me.  I’ve come to learn that I put in my hardest work when I feel like I or it matters.  If I don’t see the significance, it’s hard for me to buckle down and get er done.  Knowing that is helping me to prioritize and better use my time (and say a much needed no more often).

And a certain something has me daydreaming and grinning.  Buuuuuuut I’ll let that stay in my head for awhile. Just for superstition’s sake.  No jinxes please.  Just fun times ahead.  Hmmmmm…

Speaking of fun, softball has been kicking my lazy, out-of-shape butt, but being around black folks in a ball park has done something to me.  It makes me feel more at home.  I can remember going to the ballpark with my mom to watch my dad play.  It’s a really vague memory, lol, but I remember, nonetheless.  My aunt would be keeping score or somewhere near us.  And it was just fun times with laughter and sometimes the smell of food on the grill filling the air.  It took me 8 years to find that in Atlanta!!  And right in time for the summer.  Yippie ya!

I don’t even know what else is swirling around in this complicated mind o’ mine.  Besides that something I don’t want to deliberate on. 🙂  lol you want to know, don’t you? Too bad, so sad!  haha  Anyway, there have been lots in the news I could talk about, but most of it is negative and I’m in too good of a mood to get on my soap box today.  So maybe tomorrow.  In the meantime, get your groove on with one of my newest jams.  I know you want to…

P.S. If you don’t have one–get a mantra or two.  Mine are “Positivity prevails” and “Focus on the miracle.”  They come in handy!!  You gotta align your perspective up with your circumstance to make it through tough times.  Remember that your attitude is often your testimony.  Ok, I’m done for real this time.  Tootleloo!

Using My Talents

Using My Talents

Well, the Gospel Extravaganza is tomorrow, and I’m experiencing several emotions.  I’m excited, worried, nervous, and the list goes on.  But most of all, what started out as a marketing ploy has really become an aha moment.  I decided to join the lineup in hopes that people I know would come out just to hear me sing.  Because I’m not so diligent in finding opportunities to use all of my talents, there are a ton of people who have no idea I can sing.  And the one time I sang on a stage in GA in 2007, it was kinda iffy.  I dunno why.  Well, yeah I do.  I was nervous, I was upset about my hair, I was ready for the event to be over, and a ton of other issues.

I joined the choir at my church a couple of years ago, but I haven’t made my Thursday free in order for me to go to choir rehearsal so that’s been a bust.  Last year, I sang as one half of a duet in my line sister’s wedding, and that was exhilarating! So why haven’t I made singing a priority? *shrug* I don’t really know.  So I was UBER nervous before rehearsal last night, but when I got that mic in my hand and let the notes start flowing, I was back in my element.  So when will I give all my talents some attention?  I definitely don’t want to lose any of them, especially not my voice.  I just have so many that I struggle to understand why they were given to me or what I’m supposed to do with them or how they fit together with each other (if they do at all!).  I mean, singing is something I love.  Even though Smokie is the only one who hears me on a regular basis. :-/  I definitely need to get with it!

When I sing, I express and fully feel emotions that aren’t normally expressed by me.  I can be a somewhat a-emotional person.  I’m kind of an extremist.  Either I’m not expressive at all or I blow up.  Never too much in the middle.  But when I sing, emotions relevant to the song just well up and overflow.  Happiness, excitement, sadness, hurt, anger, anxiety, hope, enthusiasm, all of it.  There’s a song that parallels anything I’m feeling and can’t quite get out.  Music just does something to my soul.  So here’s to sanging, and here’s to a successful concert on tomorrow!

My New Thing

My New Thing

Well, as I’ve chronicled many times, I live a life of busyness.  It’s getting better as I say no more often, but still busy nonetheless.  At any given moment, there is a wide range of thoughts flowing haphazardly through my mind.  During Lent, I have been more intentional with my reading and praying, but meditating is still a difficult task because there are so many thoughts I have to rein in.  So I started doing hot yoga, and I. love. it.

What in the world is hot yoga, you say?  It’s a form of yoga done in a 105 degree room.  It’s not a steamy room–it’s simply hot.   Like walking outside on a hot Mississippi summer day (which I can’t wait to do!! Go away snow and below 60 degree weather!).  I thought that would be the dealbreaker just because how often do we volunteer to do anything in that kind of heat, but nope…  I think the heat kept me focused on what I was doing and on clearing my mind.  I was even able to pray while holding poses.  The physical side of things is a challenge as well.  Of course, my flexibility is pretty much non-existent so I look forward to increasing that. What’s funny, though, is that because I grew up pretty clumsy, catching myself from falling at least once a day, my balance is pretty impressive. 🙂

The classes I take are 90 minutes each, and it doesn’t feel like that much time lapses at all.  And I’ve been able to channel the experience into moments where I’ve needed peace, for my thoughts to be still.  I still have a long way to go, though, lol.  Just Sunday night I had to just work for a couple of hours because I couldn’t get my mind to stop racing in order to go to sleep.  I was up until 4 am, but at least I was being productive until I could rest.

I’m reading The Purpose Driven Life over these 40 days of Lent (I’m determined to complete it this go round!), and this was written specifically for me:

When you think about a problem over and over in your mind, that’s called worry.  When you think about God’s Word over and over in your mind, that’s meditation.  If you know how to worry, you already know how to meditate!  You just need to switch your attention from your problems to Bible verses.  The more you meditate on God’s Word, the less you will have to worry about.

And here’s a verse for you:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, BELIEVE that you have received it, and it will be yours. – Mark 11: 22-24

Peace + Hope = Love

Peace + Hope = Love

I read this commentary this morning, and it really hit home.

That said, what happens after you meet and then are forced to end it with someone whose smile makes you warm inside, who you don’t mind using the bathroom in front of, whose dreams become yours?

At first, I was thinking yada yada yada, here we go again with the plight of the black educated woman.  Until I read the above quote–then my brain woke up to see the author was talking about something I’m way more interested in–perspective on love.

I’ve been in love.  In fact, I think I’m in love with being in love.  I love how I feel when I get a new crush, and I especially love how requited love feels and how having it affects me.  But what’s funny is, I’m a really cynical person, and it takes me awhile to fall.  But boy, when I do… lol!  I look forward to that connection.  What keeps me sane and hopeful, I think, is my openness to love and the possibilities. blushing day dreaming

But it took me awhile to get to this place.  My last love didn’t work out. broken heart And I had to learn that just because he was a great love, it’s not for me to decide that he was my greatEST love.  That experience showed me that despite my cynicism, my wariness, my busyness, and my plight as an educated black woman (heehee), that I have a HUGE and dynamic capacity to love.  And to love despite odds and obstacles.  Before I came to that realization (that I’m not the maker and I have no idea what’s in store for my life), I hadn’t realized that I was one of these people:

Also, many people have already experienced love and have given it a face, scent and voice.

Love isn’t that cookie cutter!  Just because love happened one way with someone doesn’t mean it’s gonna look or feel exactly like that every single time.  Love, just as life, is unpredictable!  You never know when you may turn the corner, trip, and be caught by a Prince Naveen.  And he may not be what you were looking for, but be everything you were looking for, all wrapped into one package.  And you’ll see it if you’re open to it.  [NOTE – I am NOT saying to give every Joe Blow a chance.  Please have standards, lol.  I’m just saying sometimes we overlook people because of stuff that’s not even on our list of important stuff about a mate or because we’re being beyond cynical.]  Like, Musiq said:

What would it take to be in a love I know that’s right for me?
And I know that you don’t even know me yet, but I believe that one day I’ll be where you are…

The point is, I, like the blogger, “believe the purpose of that relationship was to introduce me to love’s potential.”  All I’m saying is… be open. Be open to life’s possibilities.  Know that God thinks and is way bigger than you ever could or will be.  The experiences we encounter in life are a part of His master plan.  We should learn from them, grow from those lessons, and look forward to the situations in which we will be able to use those lessons.  And don’t be scared of loving just because you can’t see the future.  Even if it doesn’t work out one day, enjoy the positivity and the love lessons now!

Speaking of learning, those failed romances are lessons on loving.  You learn about yourself, how you love, and how to love others.  So here’s another Musiq song for ya.  Head to the sky!

Reflections and Projections

Reflections and Projections

Usually in December (and intermittently throughout the year), I reflect on what’s occurred in my life and how I handled it all, and I try to reconcile that with what God would have had me do and what lessons I should be learning.

Well, the big thing I learned this year was about my focus.  It’s easy to focus on the positive when positivity abounds.  But it’s not so easy when bullshit and hurt and selfishness and overall negativity surround me.  BUT it’s not impossible.  When trouble comes around, the first thing on my to-do list is try to name 5 things I’m happy about.  Sometimes I have to drill all the way down to the things we take for granted. You know, like having breath. Or functioning limbs.  Or a roof over my head. Parents who love me.  And this is an ongoing lesson–I’m still getting over many things that occurred over the course of 2009, but it’s all about perspective.  Yes, I’m affected, but I have to let the positivity affect me and battle that negativity.

Another thing I’ve had quite a difficult time learning, and I didn’t know I had to relearn it until I had to deal with conflicts, was that I don’t do what I do for people.  I do what I do because it’s in my spirit and my make-up.  God made me a person who spends her days striving to use my talents to help other folks.  This year, I was in a position on more than one occasion of serving a great number of people, some of whom were very inconsiderate, very rude, very contentious, and very negative.  And I had to battle with myself consistently on staying in that position.  If I could have quit, I would have. In a heartbeat.  The problem with me, though, is that I’m not a quitter.  Once I’ve committed to something, I follow through with it, even when I’m miserable.  But why was I miserable?  Because I let a small group, maybe 10% of the people I serve, who were loud and silly, matter.  I let them drive me up the mickeyfickey wall, just because they were louder than the other people who either don’t bother me at all or who really are supportive.  Perspective.

So since my Road to 29 commenced, I’ve tried to be intentional about my positivity and what I spend my time thinking about.  It’s still hard, of course, but not as hard as it was when I didn’t realize that I was getting duped by the devil’s antics.  So I’m ignoring the negativity–not giving them the benefit of acknowledgement.  And lemme tell you–when you channel positivity and don’t allow yourself to feed into the world’s negativity, you touch people.  You never know what people are going through or what they’re searching for.  I got an email this morning.  Someone who’s been having a rough time of it lately reached out to me just because I was positive in an email and the positivity reached out and grabbed her.  She didn’t see me.  She saw the God I’ve been latching on to, trying to keep myself out of the dumps I find myself in when I rely on myself and my own emotions.

So my projections–in 2010, the year that signifies perfection and divine completion, I will focus on the miracle.  I will strive to let the positivity outweigh the negativity, even when I’m being mistreated or when life throws me blows.  I will expect the unexpected because God is awesome and He knows what He has for me.  I will try my best to remember that someone I may not even realize is watching me may need to see the God in me, so I need to let him shine through.

Now, it’s time for another installment of Road to 29–pampering myself. 🙂 But I’ll leave you with my theme song for Road to 29/2010.

But the impossible is God’s chance to work a miracle, a miracle… So just know it ain’t over until God says it’s over. It ain’t over until God says it’s done.  Keep fighting until your victory is won.

So Many Thanks

So Many Thanks

I spent 9 days in my hometown.  And it’s a testament to the fact that I’m moving into a different phase of my life because I was not diving into my car on the last day.  I was really sad to leave.  Being around my family and in my hometown really makes me feel like a more complete person.  If I didn’t love my job as much as I do, I would be in relocation mode I think.  I think the Sagittarius in me feels stifled.  I’m ready to roam, even if there’s a chance I would be roaming back to the place from which I roamed years ago (or maybe I’ll roam northward or across some great body of water–who knows, but I’m getting restless and feeling unfulfilled).

The week was filled with various emotions, but overall, I’m thankful.  For the ability to feel and handle those emotions, to have people who love me, to have been able to spend time with my remaining grandparents, to have a base that reminds me of what’s important and can reel me back in when I’m wandering too far.  So my birthday was last Monday, and since then, I have embarked on my Road to 29 mission.  Instead of waiting until 2010 to start a new year, I started one Tuesday.  This year I’m making myself my priority.  And I’m not just saying the trite cliche that you hear around New Year’s Eve.  I’ve already started exercising and eating better and making time for what makes me sane.  So I may chronicle some of it here, but y’all know how I get when I’m busy.  🙂 One of my goals, though, is to go back to what I said before and delete some of this busyness.  Especially when alot of it no longer makes me happy or is even vaguely enjoyable.

As I’ve alluded to in my blog once or twice, this year I’ve grappled a lot with my spiritual health.  A lot has happened in 2009 that affected me to the core, but this week, I felt some sense of Walk in the Light/beautiful light/ain’t it wonderful how the light shines and some You told me you could keep me/but I’ve turned it away…Feeling so very weak/you say I can be strong/I feel I’ve gone too far/You tell me to come home/You love me still. I guess it’s just something about that verse “Train up a child…” because spending some prolonged time in the place where I was trained just helped me feel reconnected.

Now, I have plenty to blog about from the last week.  Including a part two to my blog about the proposed merging of schools in MS and a couple of stories from my hometown adventure.  So I will (seriously… I really will!).  Until then, I’ll leave you with a hymn my pastor led us in yesterday at church.  Be blessed!

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Ev’rything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Ev’rything to God in prayer!

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged,
Take it to the Lord in prayer:
Can we find a friend so faithful
Who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness,
Take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Saviour, still our refuge;
Take it to the Lord in prayer:
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer;
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee;
Thou wilt find a solace there.

Let those negative folks get off the bus.

Let those negative folks get off the bus.

The truth makes you go hmm, don’t it?!  Growing up, I was always a loner.  That weird girl who was pretty enough to have friends, but still a little too smart for some people’s tastes, even teachers occasionally.  I was daring, even though I didn’t know I was–I was just really certain of myself and my knowledge.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become a little more mainstream–still misunderstood a great deal of the time, but I “fit in” alot more.  Well, sometimes the misunderstandings and the attacks on my character by people who either don’t know me, haven’t taken the time to know me, or who are just haters in general get into my psyche and leads to a decrease in daring.  I go into hands off mode, even though I know something is wrong.  I keep my mouth closed, even though being passive is not generally who I am.  Sometimes that gets me down, but sometimes, I realize that it’s just as daring to let unimportant people talk to themselves, to save my breath and my words for someone who can have a productive conversation or even debate, if needed.  I will never think I’m always right–but I am confident that I’m someone everyone should want on their brainstorming, strategic planning team.  And that fact doesn’t depend on anyone, not even those who disregard my value.

To achieve greatness, you just need to let those naysayers or know-it-alls who don’t know a damn thing get off the bus so that you can keep it moving.