Category: Inner Struggles

I am Nada Dee, and I am working on me.

I am Nada Dee, and I am working on me.

by Ranada ♥ 3 Comments

So!  If you know me really well, you know I can’t stand the spotlight.  Especially if I have to open my mouth.  Some think it’s really hard to believe because I’m always serving in leadership capacities, but I’ve always been kind of a behind the scenes person.  Well, I’ve realized that in my life–at work, in social settings, and in community settings–I really need to get over this dislike of public speaking and meeting people cold (without any introduction) so that I can walk through any doors that God may open in order to let His light shine through me.

So yesterday, I attended a one-day seminar at Emory about being an effective presenter, and boy, was I blessed.  Vicki Flier Hudson is the bomb, and this class is definitely worth the time and mulah.  At the beginning of the day, we discussed what our barriers were and how to overcome them.  We were told that in order to tighten up our outer game, we have to deal with the inner game.  I had never really asked myself WHY I don’t like all eyes on me.  Or at least not long enough to come up with an answer.  So when I was asked yesterday, I kinda just gave a blank stare.  And after the talk, I think it’s really just fear of the unknown and being self-conscious of what someone may be thinking as they size me up.  #1 thing I took from the class yesterday: “I am Nada Dee, and I have something valuable to offer these people.”  I will begin reciting that mantra before I have to stand before an audience and speak about something.

According to my teacher, I have the skills.  I am personable and I connect well with my audience, make great facial expressions (everyone knows that! lol), sound like I know what I’m talking about.  But I find myself giving off negative body language because of my apprehension and low self-confidence of being in front, and I don’t project loudly enough sometimes.  So knowing my weaknesses and going equipped with new exercises to deal with these, I think the class was an awesome launching pad for improvement.  I’ve also joined Toastmasters, and I have resolved not to turn down any more opportunities to share who I am and what I have to offer to anyone.  Whether it be speaking, singing, or whatever. One day I may even like getting up and talking to groups of people.  Oh how unstoppable I will be then.  Happy Friday!

The Present can help you understand the Past sometimes.

The Present can help you understand the Past sometimes.

by Ranada ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Experience is a good teacher. – Miki Howard

Since the death of my grandfather, I’ve been hyper-sensitive and aware of what I’m feeling and how various experiences have affected my life.  This weekend, Rick came in town to cheer me up (we went to Six Flags and grilled on my deck!) and to do a little work around my house, and I realized in an active way that I’ve been emotionally abused before. While I’m sure I knew that, it became real to me this weekend.  My ex, who I’ve nicknamed HolyRoller in another blog, really took a toll on me.  His knowledge of Bible verses and proclivity to pray with me and appearance of “fitting in” with my idea of a good future eased me into dropping my guard down and letting his use of Bible verses to insult me or win arguments and judgmental attitudes and position that he could hear from God and thus not consider my position on anything become a regular way of life for me.  I was in that relationship for only about 6 months, but it has had long-reaching negative impacts on me.

The week before my granddaddy’s funeral, I woke up a few nights in tears and called Rick, who woke up and ministered to me.  Although he doesn’t quote Bible verses daily, he has been there for me spiritually, reminding me Who holds tomorrow and has perfect timing when I didn’t want to accept that for myself.  Rick and I have a past, chock full of ups and downs, and my temper has gotten rather severe over the years, but he’s been quite patient with me as I calm my nerves, even when I’ve gone off for no tangible reason.  So, Saturday, I shouldn’t have been surprised when he saw how chaotic my room has become and decided to put organizing my room on our to-do list instead of quoting Proverbs 31 and telling me I’m less than a woman, as HolyRoller did.  But I was surprised–because I realize that I’ve had a poor self-image based on my organization skills despite the rest of my skills just because of one person who instead of being helpful was judgmental. (Background information – he was around when I moved into my house and I chose him to help me move in because he said that he would help me organize before I got settled since that’s one of his strengths. But he said that a Christian woman would be able to figure it out/pray for God to increase her housekeeping skills, whether he helped or not. Go figure.)

And as I continue to do a self-assessment, I know my church activity and excitement about being in His house drastically waned since that experience.  I find myself wondering how I could have been so oblivious to my own health that I would allow one experience with someone to derail my relationship with God, one that I’ve been building since I was a child.  I had some real issues with the man upstairs for even letting me deal with him.  But in the last few months, I’ve been working on that and rebuilding my relationship.

And although I don’t think about HolyRoller often and don’t talk to him at all, I’m getting to a place where I can look back and figure out the purpose of that interaction.  I haven’t had that clear lightbulb moment, but I am getting hints here and there.  And for one thing, I know that in my quest for a God-fearing man, I don’t have to find one that speaks in King James version, but one that acts like the Word is ingrained him and will love me unconditionally, knowing that none of us are perfect, not even me, the girl who was been blessed with a ton of gifts and talents and sometimes gets tired of being held to the highest expectations.  I need someone who understands that although I am a strong-willed person, even I am weak at times and it’s ok.  Someone who likes me even when my hair is a hot mess and I don’t feel like putting on matching clothes or makeup (oh boy, I looked crazy this weekend).  Someone who will let me comfortable just being me with no pretenses or explanations.

Of course, I can’t see the future, and I don’t know what the future holds for Rick and me, but I do know that I am super appreciative of the stability and understanding and help he’s provided this second go-round and I have very high hopes.  Some may not “get” us or understand the connection we have, but it’s obvious to me.  He gets me, and he lets me be me, as weird or as all over the place or as high-strung or as paradoxical or as unorganized as I can be at times.  He balances me out, and God knew I needed that balance right now.  I’m working daily on a better me, and I’m happy to have people in my life that support that effort.

Love and Life

Love and Life

by Ranada ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Simple yet complicated.

Easy yet difficult.

Straightforward yet convoluted.

Clear yet confusing.

Forever yet fleeting.

<edit 8/13/09 9:07 pm>

Fretful yet patient.

Anxious yet enthusiastic.

Far away yet close.

Lofty yet boundless.

Aged yet brand new.

Reflections – Just Absent yet Everpresent Mind Wandering

Reflections – Just Absent yet Everpresent Mind Wandering

by Ranada ♥ 1 Comment

Some things stay with you for a very long time.  I can remember vividly every funeral I’ve attended.  My grandma, who passed of breast cancer (this funeral had a major impact because I had never seen my mom sob, really I have no memory of mom crying before that day); my Aunt Betty, who had planned to teach me how to play the piano; my big ma Suzie, who had a long life; my aunt Vernita (who my mom says I act exactly like), who was murdered in DC (where I ironically would love to live); a school friend, Darnell, who was in a car accident my sophomore year of college; my uncle Alonzo (who helped in getting me here on this earth), who had health problems; my friend YL’s son, tragic story; my friend Angelia’s mom (whose funeral I only attended because she requested my presence–by then, I had written off funerals for good); my big ma Mary, again a long life; my Uncle Jobie.  My mother says that death is a part of life, but as someone who has for most of her life been pretty emotionally stable, some would say almost unemotional, dealing with death has never been something I feel good at.  My emotions go into overdrive when I fully swallow the death announcement and I reminisce on what made that person so special to me and to all the people crying while the preacher tells us to rejoice.

And so it goes, two people who I had connections with have passed in the last month or so.  One of my classmates, Nakemia Riley, who I sang in concert choir with in college, passed with complications with her diabetes.  Talk about alarming.  She was so young and so vibrant.  You couldn’t be in a room with her and not laugh.  She was so full of life and positivity, and abruptly she’s gone.  And her two best friends, also my friends, are just left with memories.  One of the members of my alumni chapter, Clyde Bennett, passed last week from kidney cancer and I attended his memorial service on Saturday.  Again, bright spirit–the stories told were all too familiar.  Everyone got a lil bit of Clyde’s sunshine and thought they had been special!  LOL!  Clyde made everyone feel VIP–especially me.  From the time I got to Atlanta he was so supportive.  When I started having issues within the chapter, Clyde always had a word of encouragement and assurance.  What’s so ironic is that he had been volunteering with the Cancer Support Ministry at his church, not knowing that a few years later, he’d be a victim himself.  And it’s crazy because it was caught so late–and by accident.  Clyde had been in a car accident last year, and after some time, his back was still hurting despite the meds so the doctors decided to finally run some additional tests and it just spiraled so quickly from there.

As I sat in the sanctuary, I kept thinking of how unfair it was that with all the evil people in the world who either have no purpose or whose purpose is just nothing good, that time would be up for these good-hearted, God-fearing people.  Yeah, I’m certainly happy and comforted that they’re going north, but how could they have fulfilled their purposes already??  I know they fought the good fight, but why is their part of the fight over?  Clyde’s neighbor said that part of it is that we need to keep a piece of Clyde with us and try to be as selfless and helpful as he was.  But it just doesn’t seem like enough.

People have been asking me how I’m doing and confirming that I took it hard.  I dunno what to call it.  I’m ok, and I don’t know if it’s that I took it hard or that it’s just making me consider my philosophy on what we’re here for. Part of it is that I look at things at the micro and the macro levels.  So it’s not my thinking about the two people most recently–it’s everybody and how death affects and maybe even defines us.   I hope that in my time on Earth I’ve contributed substantially, even though who’s to say what’s substantial…  I definitely hope to have the people brimming with positive reflections of their time with me. I wonder will I care then though.

Luckily, as He always is, God is right on time because there’s a women’s conference at my church this week.  So I’ll definitely be there trying to put my wandering and scattered mind back together.

Speaking of Twilight…

Speaking of Twilight…

by Ranada ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

… one of my fellow Twilightians has written a nice piece on her thoughts after reading the series.  Check, check it out.

And my comment, slighty revised (cuz I write more on other people’s blog than I do my own…):

I think that when we dream of our own fairy tales, we only focus on the ending. The happily ever after. And dismiss the actual story it took you so long to read. The whole part after the once upon a time. And that’s why we have a hard time accepting that our fairy tales will have the twists and turns and requires that unconditional love that gets us to the happily ever after.

I think this series has given me a new appreciation for my own relationship(s) because the ongoing battles force me to think of happily ever after as an ongoing state of existence–not as a goal of somehow getting to a future with no problems and all happy days. They/We don’t live happily ever after at the end of the book, but they lived happily ever after throughout the book and beyond. It’s like a cycle bundled in one–it takes the unconditional love to get through those major obstacles and the major obstacles at the same time somehow make the love stronger.

These books were right on time.

<Back to my own blog>

I saw relationship(s) because it occurred to me today while chatting with a friend that my circle has drastically changed in last couple of years.  My best friends at various points of my life, who I thought I would never be without, are no longer my closest friends.  And knowing that I once thought they would be my ride or die chicks until I died makes me sad.  And quite honestly, it makes me a little afraid to get close to people, even though I know deep down that God puts people in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  It’s not just some cliche.  But the hurt of waking up and not having a friend is still real.

I think that’s the beauty of Twilight–it has made me reflect on my ideals of a romantic relationship is, what I think a soulmate is or feels like or can go through, but it also has made me think more deeply about relationships I have as a whole–which has always been an area of my life that’s not exactly a strength.  I’ve been blessed to see that goodbye isn’t always forever.  More than once.  My best friend in high school and I are cool again after not keeping touch throughout our college years, and that lets me know that our friendship wasn’t a fluke.  But at the end of the day,  I still have to make the choice between my overall happiness and (how related my happiness is to that relationship) and how important a relationship is to me.  Bella grapples with this throughout the book, and I think one reason I’m so engaged in this book is because I can find my life throughout it.

Ok, that’s it on that for now.  Unlike Vonetta, I have one more book to go!

Update

Update

by Ranada ♥ 1 Comment

I’ve not been posting as I should.  Just haven’t had the unction to do so!  Lord knows I have plenty to say.

Honestly, I’ve been having some inner conflicts lately.  The trials and tribulations of leadership, I guess.  I’ve been facing negativity at so many turns, and I was really contemplating saying screw it to everyone.  But thank goodness for positive people.  My friends have been reassuring, and one in particular gave me a pep talk the other day.  Then, last night, my pastor said during Bible class that when we give our strength to the world, it repays us by rending us.  But our joy is in the Lord, not them.  So I’m back to my old self.  I do what I do because I want to, not because of anyone’s opinion.

So!  My time at Starbucks is running out, but I suspect I’ll have some time on my hands later today.  So I’ll try to be back!

What Will You Sacrifice?

What Will You Sacrifice?

by Ranada ♥ 5 Comments

Well, Lent started this week, and it’s always a fun thing to see what people are giving up.  But what is Lent?  Lent represents the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert being tempted by Satan.  In our quest as Christians to be like Christ, we give up things that will help us to focus more on our relationship with Him as we get closer to Easter, the celebration of His ultimate love for us.

Well, I must admit.  Lent couldn’t have been more timely for me this year.  Reconnecting with God and restoring our relationship to pre-crazy times is something I have unfortunately been putting off.  So I’m spending these days rebuilding good habits, kicking some bad habits, and in general, just reflecting on all the wonderful things for which I have to be thankful.  Among my commitments are a fiscal fast–including not eating out unless I’m out of town, participating in an energy fast, and various one-week fasts, including a TV fast, a music fast, and a food fast.

Upon suggestion of a friend, though, I’ve added 40 Days of Random Acts of Kindness.  With a Pay It Forward-esque spirit, this component is a selfishness/oblivion fast.  It’s intentionally and deliberately being kind to people who aren’t in your immediate circle of family and friends.  It’s paying attention to life outside your bubble of personal space and personal life dealings.  Life gives us chances to pay attention to other people, but sometimes we are way too consumed to notice.

For example, last night, on my way home, there was a car with the hood let up sitting in a secluded area on the street near my subdivision.  Now, I could have totally not paid attention to it, what with the good music that comes on during Midnight Storm and my affinity for singing along and thinking about the circus and thinking about what’s to come this weekend.  Once I noticed the guy going to his trunk looking for something, a little voice told me to call 911.  I hesitated.  It’s in that hesitation that we sometimes miss an opportunity to be a blessing to someone–and we’ll never know it.  I called 911 and spent 2 minutes telling them where the car was and why I think the guy needed help.  Not at all a time sink.  I’ll never know if he needed the help or not, but I’d like to think that a random act of kindness created some ripple of positivity in the universe.

Another example just happened about 30  minutes ago.  I was walking across the street, and I just so happened to have my umbrella (which almost never happens).  Another girl was walking through the parking garage, and when we got to the street, we both saw it was raining, but she didn’t have an umbrella.  I could have acted like I didn’t notice and walk across the street without her.  Or when I offered and she said no, it’s ok, I could have shrugged and gone on.  But I insisted, and not only did I keep someone from getting wet, I met someone from another floor in my building.

Those are really small actions, but maybe made a big difference.  I dunno.  Don’t have to know.  But hopefully, during Lent, I will become more in tune with that little voice that gently suggests we step outside of ourselves for just one moment to be an integral step in God’s design. Feel free to join me.

So…  what are you sacrificing for Lent?

The Art of Saying No

The Art of Saying No

by Ranada ♥ 4 Comments

So… My name is Ranada, and I’m addicted to being busy.  The first step is admitting the problem, right?

Ok, ok, ok…  Busyness is not the real problem.  Why?  Honestly, I love my extacurricular activities.  The real problem is that I don’t always prioritize and say no to the bottom ones.  I just take it all on because I know at the end of the day, everything will work out.  So, I’ve been practicing saying no.  And I feel better (while a little guilty, but nonetheless better) already.

In 2009, (as I say every year lol) I will be working on a better me.  A less stressed me, who not only takes care of others, but of myself as well.  And of course my mom and mentor say that I will be of better service to other and have a higher demand when I’m at my best.  And I agree.  I just feel like I will be searching high and low for something to do.  But the reality is that I’ll still have plenty to do–just more time to do it.  No school, no new leadership roles.  That’s already a huge weight off as of Dec. 15 or so.  More personal activities.  More spending time with my Smokie.  More sleep (YES!).  More exercise…  More travel hopefully.  More time to sit on my deck and ponder the unknowns of the world.  More time to blog!!  Haha.  I’m looking forward to 2009.

Can Ranada create a better balance for her life?  YES I CAN! 😀

I’m on the Black List.

I’m on the Black List.

by Ranada ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Last weekend, I shared with my mentor that lately I’ve been thinking that I want to drop out of all my activities and leadership roles and just be “normal.” Huh? Why? Because I just get tired of feeling unappreciated, unliked, lonely, stressed out, unsupported, etc. Heck, I’ve been told that I can’t expect to meet anyone and live happily ever after doing all that I do. Well, my mentor said to me that in EVERYTHING in life, there will only be 10% of the people involved working. And 10% is in my nature. But if I really want to try to fit in as a 90%er, I could try it, but he suspects I’ll be unhappy since I have the propensity to see problems and try to solve them. He said my best bet was to find other 10%ers to hang out with.

So as I was watching The Black List last night at the Woodruff Arts Center (by myself), I kept thinking to myself, wow I see myself in so many of these awesome people. How in the world do they do it?? And I kept looking at these old black men who spent their lives making a difference and wondered why haven’t I found one of those types of guys… Seriously, The Black List is a must see. From Toni Morrison sharing her view of finding her own little box where she could be free to be herself to Chris Rock and his idea that blacks will not have experienced equality until we can be free to suck to Al Sharpton and his opinion of how the disconnect happened between generations to Marc Morial and his view of the American Tragedy that was the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and how people want the city to be rebuilt without US to Colin Powell and his assertion that for 200 years we weren’t given the job because we were black so why does it matter that now we may be given the job because we are black–just do a good job, I was enthralled by this piece and so thrilled that I was able to make it. I came to tears at least twice, and I think it was more than my just having an emotionally rocky week. I think when I get down, God puts me in these types of atmospheres to give me enough hope to not give up. I do realize that I need to be more assertive about building relationships with people who are like me–that will be able to sympathize with me when I’m feeling the woes of leadership and to celebrate with me when I’ve won those small battles to which people don’t really pay attention unless they’ve been there. And because I am a strong-willed child of God, I need to learn how to use my strong will to further God’s will at all times, not just when I’m tired of trying to make a difference on my own and realize I need Him. I need to stop focusing on what I think is negative in my life and dwell on all that is positive. I mean, even though I’m not where I pictured I’d be at this age, I’m not doing too shabby in the grand scheme… So I’m going to take a retreat, rejuvenate, and get back to it. I am black, I am greatness, and I am destined for everything I’ve dreamed of and more.

Happy Friday!

Reflections from the Road

Reflections from the Road

by Ranada ♥ 1 Comment

One thing I’ve pondered from conversation and observation with this group is that everyone wants to be liked in some capacity. No matter if you live somewhere where you park in a parking lot or if you live in Europe where people park on the sidewalk, no matter what kind of hair you have, no matter what language you speak, chances are you spend a lot of your time trying to be included. Besides love, acceptance is a concept that translates in all languages.

Including me. I just want to be loved, like Jill said. I find myself not saying what I want to say or playing nice much more often or trying not to be so literal so that I can figure out what others may mean or think I may mean. I spent so much of my life being a-okay with being a loner and the older I get, the more I crave companionship. I used to enjoy taking myself places (still do but not nearly as much), like dinner, the movies, even concerts every now and then. I’ve even gone on trips and just worried about meeting people when I got there. But now I want someone to share memories with, I want a group of stationary friends, I want to have a definite number to call (besides my mom, who I’m sure I call much more now) when I have a thought to verbalize. Who knew? It’s a quite odd feeling, and I’m not sure if I like  being so vulnerable…  I remember wondering why I was so weird when I was growing up. There was nothing like a day where I could sit under the tree in our yard or even in my closet and get away and read. And now it seems like I can’t get away from those moments. Is it time or is it just growth or is it just general change?  Was there anything wrong with the way I was? Hmm… I don’t think so.  It’s definitely much safer.

I would love to move to Europe for a stint.  I’m telling you all, Paris is absolutely breathtaking.  And between Brussels (the unofficial capitol of the European Union) and Paris, there are so many organizations here that are so relevant to my dreams that I didn’t know about until this adventure.  There was a time where I would just make it happen.  Find a job, make the plans, and execute.  Without regard for any traveling companions.  Without wondering who I would talk to when I got here.  Now?  I kinda think I would want someone to come with me.  Preferable a boo, lol, but my mom would be fine too.  But she wouldn’t want to leave my brothers, I don’t think.  So…  I’ll still be on the lookout for a position :), but I won’t be moving abruptly for sure.  We’ll see how the wind blows, or where the river takes me, as my new friend BLee would say.

I have other reflections that I’ve written manually since I was away from the computer.  I’ll decide if I’ll share.  I’ll definitely be back soon for more travel stories though. 🙂